4 Months - Grieving

Our little guy has fallen back a little bit emotionally as he mourns his orphanage life.  I think the newness and excitement is wearing off and old memories are flooding back.  He's reverted back to wanting to be held all day and isn't his normal chipper self.  He isn't okay being alone and even if it's him who crawls away from me, he completely panics and there is seriously no way to calm him.  He just cries and cries on my shoulder for the better part of half an hour, soaking my shirt with his little tears.  It's so sad.  He's definitely hurting.

I’ve had a lot of questions about why on earth would Panda be grieving? Shouldn’t he just be overjoyed at having a family and a home and people who love and care for him? Shouldn’t he be thankful for regular meals and story times and a warm bed to sleep in?

Imagine you are kidnapped from your home and family without any warning by someone you trusted.  He hands you over to a couple of people without any explanation.  You don't understand anything these people say or do.  They seem to meet your basic needs and are kind, but you are devastated, missing and longing for your home, your people, your smells, your normal. Then you begin to realize you will never see your people or your home again.  This is permanent and there's no going back.

Yes, Panda absolutely loves us and is thriving in his new family and home, but the orphanage was his home for almost three years.  It is a part of him and his past.  One day he will see it more clearly, but for now he has some very real, very understandable grief to work through.

This month hit us with a whole new wave of doctor appointments including the endocrinologist squeezing us into a cancellation spot! Wahoo!  We actually just received word yesterday that he will be proceeding to the next level of testing for a possible growth hormone deficiency.  This wasn't unexpected news, but it will be a bit of a rough road for the next few years as we finish up all his medical testing and procedures and begin his treatment.  We are thankful to live in a place with such easy access to some of the most amazing doctors in the world.  He is also seeing around 9 other specialists for ancillary issues, including an ophthalmologist, urologist, neurologist, audiologist, geneticist, etc...  Each doctor has labs and procedures they need to order and multiple follow up appointments.  It will be a long year.

We also got our new family pictures in!  Our photographer is amazing, and I can't tell you how wonderful it is to see pictures of all four of us up around the house now.  Panda and Ladybug have both definitely noticed and seem pleased with the changes.  I'll share a few at the end.

Panda Challenges:

The Mourning
Nightmares, bouts of crying that can't be soothed, extra neediness...it will pass.  But it does break my  mama heart to watch him suffer through it.  (Plus it scares the crap out of me when he just starts screaming in the middle of the night!)

Adjusting to Medical Life
This is tough for anyone, but I think combining it with all of the other major life changes he's going through and not understanding the big picture of why mom allows nurses and doctors to "hurt" him just makes everything more challenging.  He feels victimized at his frequent doctor and lab appointments, and it just pulls on my heart.  We experienced the same thing with Ladybug when she was younger, and it just never gets easier.


Panda Awesomeness:

Communication
Panda is understanding around 75% of what we are telling him and picking up on appropriate responses to social situations. (rubbing Ladybug's back if she's crying, blowing kisses and waving when people are leaving, etc.) He is also using the few phrases he knows to communicate what he needs with us - it's so impressive.  And he's picking up on new phrases/words daily.  As I'm typing this he's pointing to our pup saying, "Dog! Ruff ruff! In his bed." followed up by, "Some more. Yum!" pointing to his plate where the meat was. The concept of a name is still his arch nemesis, as it is completely foreign to him. (They don't call the kiddos by name in orphanages.)

Growth!
I'm happy to report he has grown an entire inch since last month and gained a pound! Praise God! Plus he is now on a medical path to receiving the interventions he needs to thrive.

Kindness and Sense of Humor
Panda seriously has the kindest and most joyful heart!  Now that he's becoming more comfortable and showing us more sides of his personality, his gentleness and compassion are amplified. He loves to laugh, with or without other people.  He just cracks himself up! One of his favorite activities includes playing jokes on us, which I can testify are ligit.  He makes this mama burst out laughing multiple times a day.  I'll ask him to come here, and he'll turn to crawl toward me.  Then all of a sudden he starts to crawl backwards and feigns a look of complete shock, as if he has no idea how he hit reverse.  Then he gives that sheepish grin and just dies laughing at himself.  I think it's a mixture of his facial expressions and his creativity that make his jokes so funny!

I can't tell you how happy it makes me to hear that little laugh. It used to cut me to my core when we were waiting the long months to go pick him up from China, knowing he wasn't likely getting to play and smile and be held by his mama.  Hearing him laugh and watching his personality emerge is just music to my soul.

Brushing Teeth
Now his favorite activity! And woe to the parent who forgets teeth brushing time...

Eating
The kid wants protein, and lots of it! Any meat is his favorite (the polar opposite of Ladybug) with cheese, eggs, and nuts coming in a close second.  Avocados are also a winner.  Since we've been brushing his teeth, he's been chewing a lot better! We will see the hospital dentist as soon as we get the clear from the Endocrinologist to put him under.

Drinking
He has finally begun to drink water! Score! He is beginning to phase out his own bottle drinking now because he just isn't that thirsty anymore.  All very good news. We still do three bottles a day ceremoniously to keep routine although he only drinks a little out of it.  We're hoping he will allow us to drop a bottle from his daily regiment sometime in the near future.

The Outdoors
He not only is okay playing outside, but cheers when we head into the back yard!  Talk about a 180. He still doesn't love grass or wind, but in typical Panda fashion, he's working through it.

Thank you to everyone who has been praying for us and loving on us.  We are overjoyed to have such a strong and caring village.  I feel like things are finally settling down and we have found our daily groove, which is really nice!

Video

Here's a link to YouTube showing our first moments meeting our baby and then a few clips from the following weeks in China as he warmed up to us.   It actually makes me cry every time I watch the moment we get to finally hold him and the first time I kiss his little head.  Seriously...I could relive it over and over!  It's also insane to think that was probably the first time he'd been kissed in almost 3 years. Wow.  (If you're interested in more details from our China trip, I did updates while we were there. Click on "The China Trip" page in the menu.)

It's just so powerful watching our family come together.  I am a complete novice at this, so the video is made from clips from our iPhones that we took while in China - not amazing quality, but still worth sharing.

Keep in mind you don't normally grab the camera when a baby is crying or in distress, so the video doesn't represent the tough times involved in those weeks.  But I think it captures some of the beauty!

Enjoy!

Gotcha Day Video

A Day in the Life

As most stay-at-home moms probably do, I often get the question, "What do you do all day?"  or as a cab driver in NYC asked me once, "Oh my gosh! No way you just don't work! Do you just watch T.V. all day long?"  Yep. I watch my soaps and eat bonbons.

But seriously, I thought I would answer the question publicly.  I think that staying home with children with high medical and developmental needs may even look different than staying home with typical children.  If anyone is considering adopting a child internationally or through foster care and doesn’t already have a child with special needs, it may be helpful to paint a picture of our daily life.

I want to preface this rough schedule with the statement that everything we do is super intentional.  We all want what's best for our kiddos!  When your little one is struggling in life, there's quite a bit of extra research and time that goes into helping them be safe and successful.  Everything we do with our kids has purpose - from the type of music we play in the background, to the reasons behind why we dry Ladybug's hair at night, to every single bit of food we offer the kids at mealtime.  There's hundreds of hours of research and medical advice from countless specialists and therapists and nutritionists.  We spend most of our evenings after the kids go to bed analyzing the day and our seizure log and finding patterns, figuring out what needs to shift, etc.  So our daily schedule has been years in the making, shifting with the constantly changing medical and emotional needs of our children.  I will explain our reasoning for some of what we do, but definitely not all of it! That would be the longest blog entry in the world.  If you have any questions about what I don't explain, feel free to ask in the comment section.  And I probably will accidentally omit some things that are important! So don't panic if I forget to say that we are always focusing on eye contact and language skills. Because we are! And so much more.

Mornings:
5:30 a.m. - the all important ME time! I use this time to do my bible study, pray, and drink some coffee. I also prepare Panda's bottle and some of Ladybug's breakfast, as she needs immediate food to bring her blood sugar up and help stabilize her morning seizures.  It's a small, valuable window of time I to which I really look forward.

6:00 - the kids get up. I'm always present when Panda wakes to settle his fears about being abandoned and going hungry.  The first thing he sees in the morning is me and a bottle!  Ladybug gets up and does her morning routine. I head up to her room ASAP to administer her early dose of seizure meds, and then help her down the stairs as her balance is off in the mornings.

6:30-9:00-

• Breakfast - cook a high protein breakfast with Fiji water for the kids, and then beg Ladybug to eat/drink it!
• Clean up kitchen
• Bible study with the kiddos (something I'm trying to be better about as a regular part of our routine)
• Get everyone dressed and ready for the day - includes teaching Lady to how to pick out her clothes, take off jammies, put on her own shirt/pants, brushing everyone's teeth, and more medicines 
• Ladybug swings and gets her hands and feet brushed for sensory/ speech activation (for a little more information on proprioceptive input, see here)
• Yoga - assuming there's time and no one has had a melt-down (eh hum, Panda) or a bad seizure day. This is where I sneak in PT for both kiddos!

 9:00 - is usually when we head out for preschool, doctor or lab appointments, therapy appointments, etc.  It is normal for our therapies and doctor appointments to take about 2-3 hours in the morning, although they can take up to most of the day.  I'm going to go into the least amount of detail on this point, while it is by far the most draining and exhausting part of our day.  It usually involves a lot of screaming, crying, frustration, anger, fear, and learning.

12:00- return home for lunch and nap. (Ladybug's seizure meds make her sleepy and a sleepy Bug is dangerous when it comes to seizures.)  I have to hold Panda while he sleeps as naptime is especially scary for him.  I get to use this time to listen to sermons or books on my headphones, which is really nice.

Afternoons:
*I really try to not schedule doctor or therapy appointments in the afternoon, as I want it to be time when we can relax and focus on therapy at home.  I have found  this to work best with mine and my kiddo's personalities.

2:30 - Kids are usually waking up.

• We take  it slowly for Ladybug to regain balance and speech. It takes her about 20-30 minutes to be able to walk and talk the way she was pre-nap. Lots of falling and tears if we try to jump back into our day.  I try to keep her in bed and read books or we all play something simple on the floor (something involving very little fine or gross motor skills.)
• Snacktime - for kids while I make medical phone calls (Gotta get that blood sugar back up!) I am always fighting insurance, chasing down labs and referrals, keeping logs of Ladybug's diet for her dietitian, and trying to get into the next specialist.  I am also usually scrambling to work through our never-ending medical and adoption paperwork/bills.  
• If cool enough weather and not rainy - play outside! The best PT I could ever ask for! Also amazing for Panda to get some vitamin D, as he's deficient.  I sooo wish we could play outside every day! We work on specific skills or muscle building every day, disguised as play. (Panda has the personality where it's easy to do PT with him - with Ladybug we get a lot of resistance, so being very sneaking and incorporating it into our play is our best bet.) 
  
• If rainy or too warm (above 85 degrees) - we stay inside and work on fine motor skills, our sensory diet, spatial reasoning, and reading (speech).  This is a large, complex part of our day that involves lots of repetition and frustration.  Therapy involves constantly pushing your kiddo beyond their limit, but not too far! We are always learning and growing, regretting and researching in this area. The activities come from therapists, books, classes, other parents, and interestingly enough Pinterest. 
  
  
  
  
  
• I also sometimes let Ladybug watch a show or movie, all the while asking questions to help her follow the story.  It’s a fun way to continue learning when she's had a difficult or draining day.  Panda doesn't watch T.V., so he "helps" me fold laundry in the living room.

5:00 - I get dinner ready while the kids get to just play! Whew!
6:00 - The Duke generally comes home around six and we eat as a family. We are trying to be better about this as it gives Panda a concrete cue as to when to expect his Daddy and reduces his anxiety, but I'd be lying if I said it was an every night thing.

Evenings:
Play with Daddy! Lots of fun and laughing!
Bathtime, bedtime meds, brush teeth, stories, and bedtime.  Our bedtimes are very strict as Ladybug's sleep schedule heavily affects seizures and Panda's routine is key to keeping him feeling safe.

After the kids go down:
The Duke and I spend most of our evenings trying to revise and build on our strengths and weaknesses from the previous day.  We research, read books, and talk endlessly about how to help our kids thrive instead of just survive.  We keep calendars, logs, and journals of medicine adjustments, seizures, all areas of development, sensory processing, sleeping habits, eating habits, etc.  We brainstorm how to better handle that ornary receptionist at the specialist's office, or how we can better emotionally support one of the kids during their upcoming procedure.  There isn't time for much decompression.  It is an all-consuming job. It can be frustrating and emotionally draining, but there're a lot of celebrations for things that many parents never think twice about.  (The very first time Ladybug jumped and landed with bent knees this past month - we seriously had a small party! She's a rock star.) Then I set up the next day's at-home therapy activities and prepare any paperwork for the next day's appointment and medical phone calls.

Nights:
I am so grateful to say that Ladybug's night seizures have all but disappeared! She wears a seizure watch at night that alerts us if she seizes for longer than 20 seconds, but it only detects the big ones.  She also no longer suffers from insomnia, which is a funny and weird story.  I have finally been able to sleep easier now that she's healthier than ever before! I still check the temperature upstairs at least once in the night to be sure it didn't suddenly become 4 degrees warmer (as our AC is wonky) which would trigger her heat seizures.

Panda is officially out of our bed... barely! We moved his bed downstairs to be adjacent to ours as we slowly transfer him toward his own room.  He still has quite a few nightmares and panic moments, so we keep him close.  I'd say on average he only wakes 2 times per night, and he is usually quick to sooth. We have fairly peaceful nights, and I assure you we don't take it for granted!

We also have two kids that have missed so much of just life!  One spent the first three years of his life in an orphanage, experiencing little beyond his own crib, and the other spent the first 2 1/2 years of her life in hospitals and doctor offices, once again experiencing very little beyond the car trips to and from and getting blood drawn for the millionth time.  That being said, we also try to be very intentional about taking days off to just experience life!  Go to the county fair, zoo, museum, a baseball game, a play, a ballet.  Play in the rain, in the leaves, at the beach, in rocks.  Feeding the ducks, petting dogs, running up and down hills. There's just so much catching up to do.  Without schema (background knowledge) it's impossible to build vocabulary or understand stories.  It puts any child at a disadvantage! So when we aren't knee-deep in medical appointments, we really try to add in valuable life experiences that our kiddos have missed out on.

I love our little family of four! I am happy to take on the challenges that our children face on a daily basis and do everything I can for them.  It has been a major shift from teaching elementary school, but I'm also blessed to have had a vocation that had so much early childhood development education.  I love that God took us down the path of adoption, including all its trials and miracles. To be honest, it isn't easy. But easy is boring. Easy is usually outside of God's plan for our lives.  He equips us with exactly what we need for the situations to which He calls us.

If you are adopting internationally or through the foster care system, your upcoming change of lifestyle is something to keep in mind.  You really are fighting daily for your baby; whether it's holding her down screaming for medical procedures, arguing on the phone with insurance, or teaching her for the 100th time how to use her thumbs to put on a sock, you will be fighting the good fight.  It's stressful, humbling, beautiful, heart-breaking, sweetly rewarding and bitterly exhausting.

The foundation that has already been laid is Jesus Christ, and no one can lay down any other foundation.  But if people build on that foundation using gold, silver, jewels, wood, grass, or straw, their work will be clearly seen, because the Day of Judgement will make it visible. That Day will appear with fire, and the fire will test everyone's work to show what sort of work it was.
(1 Corinthians 2:11-14)

It's funny because Ladybug and I have been working on comprehension with the story of the Three Little Pigs, which seems to parallel a little bit with this verse from Corinthians I have recently been studying.  I have found it very convicting to my mindset and priorities.  A large part of my work for the Lord at this point in my life is my children.  I know that one day I will be standing before my Creator answering for how I chose to build on the foundation with which He provided me.  I hope that I can say I used gold and precious stone and not grass and straw.

For those interested, here's some of our favorite resources that we have found to be helpful:

1. The Connected Child by Dr. Karyn Purvis
A must read for anyone adopting! Or really anyone...as I was reading it, I found myself wishing I had read it before we had Ladybug.
Website with more info here. If you have a friend who has adopted, they will likely have a copy to loan you!



2. The Write Start by Jennifer Hallissy
How to support your kiddo's fine motor skills as a parent (besides the OT homework)
Buy here.



3. The Out of Sync Child by Carol Stock Kranowitz
For kiddos who struggle with sensory issues. There's multiple spin-off books that also help with activities to work on at home, but I found between our occupational therapist, this book, and pinterest, I was set.
I bought it here.



4. Everything a Child Should Know about God by Kenneth N. Taylor
Great book for reading with younger children (3-6) or older children who are still working on their comprehension skills (English language learners or developmentally behind)
It contains short, simple sentences of explanations followed by a direct follow up question to help you track if they're understanding. Each page also has a picture to assist with the concept. Biblically sound
You can buy it from multiple places, including Amazon.



5. I would highly recommend finding a support group - whether it is an adoption group or a group that is more specific to your child's special needs.  I have found invaluable information from other parents going through similar situations that no doctor, book, or therapist could ever provide! (ie. Fiji water helping with speech and seizures.)

6. I would also recommend researching how to teach English Language Learners if you're adopting internationally.  I was fortunate enough to already have a certification in this area from my teaching days and have found it incredibly helpful! I don't have any recommend resources, but if you've found one, please share!

7. Evernote app - For organizing medical paperwork and bills!!! At some point in February you begin to drown in paperwork and trying to keep up with how much you've paid. A friend recommended this to me and it's my first year to still tread water with it all! Seriously a life-saver.

If anyone else has any suggestions for what has assisted them in their journey, I'd love for you to share in the comments! Websites, articles, seminars, books, apps - all welcome!

***Updated note: This schedule is just that - a schedule! It has that peaceful, smooth undertone of a schedule.  Remember that there is human element to it and there are lots of complications during each part of our day, whether it's fits, dirty diapers, or coaxing Ladybug to eat when her seizure medicine steals her appetite.  I know it's easy to look at someone's schedule and think they have it all together! We don't. =)  No one does!

3 months - Panda’s first steps!

The honeymoon is over. Our Little Panda is throwing fits and not always sharing with his sister... and it’s AWESOME!!

He is understanding that family is forever and that there isn’t anything he can do that will cause us to stop loving him. He is no longer walking on eggshells. It’s sooo wonderful to watch him behave as a typical 3 year old!  He is beginning to enter a healthier mindset.

That being said, his fits aren’t that bad and his natural personality is to please. So even though he’s letting his mischievous side out and sometimes sharing his displeasure with a situation in his 3 year old language (aka fits) he still likes to please and follow the rules. So all in all, we got it easy with this one.

He is doing so well overall. The doctor appointments are really in full swing, and that has been his biggest challenge.  It’s after medical days (as I call them) that he has the most melt-downs and during the night has nightmares. But if we go a few medical-less days, he just thrives. So it’s a balance of meeting his physical needs and emotional needs.

Panda challenges:

Pulling out of a tailspin
I’m getting a little better at helping with this one, but Little Panda just has no experience with these extreme emotions and how to deal. Whether it’s calming down after a blood draw or finding his way back after a melt-down, it’s a huge challenge to soothe him, let alone trying to teach him how to self-regulate.  He goes down the rabbit hole and has a really difficult time finding his way back out.

Growth
Still hasn't grown an inch. Still in 12 month clothes even though he's at least 3 years old.  Still waiting to get into the endocrinologist to get to the root of things.


Panda awesomeness:

Playing outside
Like I’ve said before, Panda isn’t one to stay afraid long. I wouldn’t say he’s begging to go play outdoors or anything, but he’s not crying while we are outside either! He is enjoying our time at the park now and eats during our picnics. He even was so adventurous to explore at the beach!
(I included some fun outdoor days in the pictures.)

Gross Motor Development
Panda is now taking 4-5 steps at a time and is pretty good at the concept of jumping! (something we work with Ladybug on daily for her PT)  He loves the praise more than the accomplishment itself, so we just gush all over him when he tries new things!

Social Situations
Panda struggles the most with other children, as he very much doesn't trust them.  It's obvious there were some bullying issues in the orphanage, which isn't surprising as he's so tiny for his age.  But he is beginning to both trust some other kids, and more importantly trust me or the Duke as his protectors.  He has been enjoying spending more time outside of the home and with others.

Brushing Teeth
He has finally allowed us to brush his little teeth!! Thank goodness.  We did get him to a local pediatric dentist, who very nicely informed us that his issues paired with his size is beyond their expertise and that we would have to do dental through the hospital system.  We suspected as much, but thought we'd try!

Language
Still picking up on English like a champ! Nouns and names are foreign to him. He doesn't understand the concept of a person or object having a label. But verbs or requests are coming much more easily.

Fair week in Texas!

First American Haircut with Daddy

Ya'll...his sad face. Equally heart-breaking and hilarious.

Picture credit: Ladybug!

A silent fit - once again, equally heart-breaking and hilarious. You can tell where Ladybug tried to cheer him up.

2 Months - Panda's First Birthday Celebration

Happy birthday, Little Panda!!
(Turns out he's not a fan of cake. I know, right?)

Our little guy thrives off of routine, nonverbal cues, smiles, and undivided attention.

Routine:
All kids find routines soothing to some extent. Some need it more than others. Ladybug is one of those kiddos that wakes up and asks immediately what day it is and what our plan for the day is if she doesn’t already know. If her routine is broken without any explanation, we see major melt downs as her inner-security has dissolved along with the plans.

Luckily we have already had a few years of this learning curve with Ladybug, so establishing a routine to help Panda feel safe and comfortable came pretty naturally to us. We have had to be much more regimented with our bedtime routine than we used to be, as bedtime was one of his toughest obstacles. We already had a very set mealtime/snacktime routine bc of Ladybug’s medical dietary needs, and Panda fell right into that one easily. I’ve been more careful to make sure we eat certain meals in particular places - breakfast at the breakfast bar, lunch at the kitchen table, snacktime at the kid table, and dinner at the kitchen table again. Bc he has some pretty extreme feelings surrounding food, keeping even the smallest details predictable are important to him. As he continues to have more space between him and the orphanage, shaking things up once in a while won’t be as big of a deal.  But right now our number one priority for him is creating felt safety through predictability.  He even wants the exact same breakfast every day! I can’t tell you how many eggs we’ve gone through in the past month.

Smiles:
He is constantly scanning the feel of the room to be sure everyone is in a happy or peaceful place. I assure you it has kept me very accountable as to my frustration level and tone some days.  I have to be sure to keep my attitude positive, or at the very least neutral, with a smile on my face when addressing him.  Even when I’m teaching him not to open a specific cabinet in the kitchen, I have to say, “no,no!” with a sing-song voice and an adoring smile while I make eye contact, or it just crushes him. He understands no, and that simple redirection does the trick for now. He is being taught what is expected but that we love him even when he goes somewhere he shouldn’t or does something he oughtn’t. Communicating that unconditional love is so important, and he’s constantly on guard for it right now. Then the minute he opens the next cabinet that isn’t off limits, we cheer and give lots of praise.
Soon enough he will grow comfortable and begin to test boundaries! But for now he’s still trying too hard to please and keep his new family happy.

Nonverbal cues:
As he doesn’t yet understand English but is very intelligent, Panda and his ever-alert mind picks up on EVERYTHING nonverbal. We have had to reserve covering up with a blanket for a cue to sleep. (We made the mistake once of cuddling up on the couch by the fire with a blanket, thinking he’d love the snuggles. Turned out he got upset thinking we were telling him to hold still and go to sleep!)  Extending and open hand to him has come to mean please don’t throw that, just hand it to me.  He has begun to ask permission to do things by pointing at it and looking at me. He understands “yes!” with head nods and of course the classic “no, no.”  Really most of our day, although filled with talking and babbling, is really nonverbal communication both ways. We will find we accidentally cued something, not realizing he has been using that object all along as communication. (Like the blanket)

Undivided attention:
If I haven’t answered your text or call lately, I’m so sorry! You are not alone. I’ve been keeping my phone on the kitchen counter and the T.V. off.  I even work to keep my cleaning to a minimum unless I’ve devised a way to include the kids.   Although including those cute little rascals many times turns a job into an even bigger mess! But we try...  this is really something I tried to start doing before Panda got home, and I’m still trying to be better about it. What am I teaching my kids when I’m texting or checking my email instead of doing a puzzle with them?  That my phone is more important to me.  This is something that I struggle with as a stay at home mom throughout the day. I want to call the pharmacy, text Ladybug's speech therapist, or email the next preschool I want to tour.  But usually that can all wait until the Duke gets home.  There’s the occasional doctor phone call that I have to take, but overall I can be much more careful about where I choose to give my undivided attention.  I want both Panda and Ladybug to know that they are more than worth my time and energy.
I’ll tell you what, when I slip up and catch Panda staring at me with those sad Panda eyes, it is quite the jolt!

This month was also panda’s big doctor’s appointment with the dept that specializes in international adoptions. She gave him a full physical and began the referral process to about 9 specialists. The past few weeks have been filled with appointments, and he's not taking it super well.  He is the sweetest, easiest going kid I've met until it involves a doctor's office.  And who can blame him?  Why do these people touch me without my permission?  And they hurt me a lot with needles.  They can't be trusted!  Ladybug also struggles with this, but at least she understands the relationship between herself and her parents - that we are always here to protect her and do what's best for her.  Sadly, Panda doesn't completely grasp that yet.

Quick list of updates!

Panda Challenges

Communication 
While he is incredible with picking up on some words, his frustration is growing with his lack of ability to express his feelings about a particular topic.  However, he is a fast learner and really pays attention when I give him the word to say.

Doctor Appointments
Kind of falls into the communication category, because he doesn't understand what's happening.  He also likes to hold a grudge, so I assure you the screaming does not stop when we walk out of the door at the end of the appointment.

Teeth 
Yikes. I think every single tooth has a cavity.  Now that we've had his heart and a few other organs checked, the dentist can have the freedom to put him under to begin what I can only imagine is an extensive dental work-up. I also assume this will not be a quick fix.  We have a consultation scheduled for next week.

Growth
He hasn't grown an inch in the past two months. He's put on 1 pound though! I'm sure the endocrinologist will help us figure it all out.


Panda Awesomeness:

Sleeping
Hallelujah!! Thank you for your prayers. Bedtime is now one of Panda's favorite times! Isn't that crazy! I lay him down after his bottle and he smiles and snuggles in with his blanket, kisses me, and says I love you.  Then he just cozies up and goes to sleep! Talk about the power of prayer.
He is now on his little bed which is adjacent to our bed, meaning he's officially out of our bed.  We will continue to phase him toward his own room, but at his pace.  He still has nightmares, usually the nights after he has a doctor appointment.

He also looks forward to nap time. He loves being cuddled and rocked and cooed over.  He doesn't always actually sleep, but he at least gets a little rest time in the afternoon.

Speaking
He is adding to his language repertoire. He now asks for "help!" instead of crying, and brings me a snack from the pantry and says, "eat!" when he's hungry.  He also tells Ladybug "no, no!" when he is trying to set boundaries during playtime.  All of which has really cut down on his crying! He is finding power in words, which is really cool to see.  To add to the list, he also says "thank you,"  "there it is!", "where is _____?", "I  love you" and cheers for me, Ladybug, or the Duke every single time we walk into the room.  It's pretty awesome.

Drinking
It's emerging. He has begun to drink a little bit of water from a straw during meals.  Definitely a step in the right direction!

Building muscles!
He's majorly building his endurance and strength now that he's out of the crib for good! He has taken his first steps, climbs up and down the stairs with ease, and has become quite the mountain goat on anything that looks like it could be conquered!  He's coordinated and has great balance.

Panda's first time to feel rain! 

He has finally allowed us to put him in a swing!

Yoga with mama

movie night

Don't worry, we have a date set for family pictures. The current cover for our blog will be changing! Thank you again to everyone who has been loving on us and supporting us. We are officially out of the cocooning stage, so we are trying to get back out there socially as much as our frequent medical appointments allow.  Love you all!

1 Month - Pocket Full of Sunshine

God answers prayer.

Not always in the way you planned. Actually, almost never in the way I planned! God has been working on me to have faith when He answers my prayer differently than I’d hoped. It always turns out better in the end, because He knows what He’s doing and can see the big picture and I can’t.

Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!  
Matthew 7:9

That being said... God answered all of our prayers about Panda, but differently than we had prayed. We hadn’t prayed big enough. We were praying that God would prepare his heart for us. But God had created his heart for us.  He has been ours since the beginning, and he seems to know that. We prayed for our hearts to be prepared for him and any challenges we would face.  God had created our personalities to be together since the beginning. He not only had prepared us for the challenges, but molded our hearts for the amazing beauty Panda brought that outshines any challenge we are facing right now.

Panda was the missing puzzle piece to our family. He completes us in ways we didn't even know we needed:

He is our sunshine.
Some people have that personality - so contagious. That’s Panda. He has such a natural, easy joy that flows from him, and it lights up our house. I can’t even explain the sunshine he brings to our days. I have always thought of our household as joyful, but looking back we had no idea the laughter and happiness that was to come! Panda kicks it up to a whole new level.  The overall feel of our household has shifted, and for the better.

He is the yin to Ladybug’s yang. 
    Unlike the expected behavior when a new sibling is introduced, Ladybug has suddenly blossomed developmentally and emotionally since Panda has joined us at home. And more obviously, so has Panda.
    Socially they are complete opposites, complimenting each other perfectly.  Ladybug would rather never be seen and wants to crawl into a hole when she has to speak to someone outside of our family.  Panda loves attention and enjoys making people laugh, almost to the extreme in that he feels obligated to entertain.  They balance each other out nicely and can learn so much from one another in that area.
    Ladybug has also really taken to being a big sister, bursting with a new-found self-esteem. She now feels more purposeful and accomplished with a little guy to nurture and teach all her Ladybug wisdom. Panda loves being cared for as the little brother and receiving Ladybug's constant attention.
   Once again, we didn't even think to pray big enough on this topic.  I prayed constantly for all of the negative things that I hoped wouldn't happen in their relationship.  I never even considered how God had created these two siblings to perfectly compliment each other in so many different ways.

He is the baby I needed to hold and cuddle, while being the boy with whom the Duke needed to wrestle.
He is cuddly, loving, laid back, and patient. All things I desperately needed in my life! With Ladybug we missed most of the baby stage to some intense medical issues, and I didn't even realize how much I craved some of those things!  It was so kind of God to use little Panda to help heal some of those wounds.  And all the while he's adventurous and fun-loving, all the things the Duke needed in a son.


It's been really fun settling into our new family dynamic. Something about Panda seems to bring the best out of each of us. Talk about a blessing we never even thought to pray for.  I am humbled by how much God gives, and how little I thought to ask.  It's definitely a huge lesson for me in my prayer life!



I'm a little late updating on our first month home, but here it goes!


Panda Awesomeness:

Dog
Panda crawled right up to the dog and stared him down. It was like he just decided he wasn't going to live in fear anymore! From that point forward, he has had no fear of the dog at all. It's hilarious! His favorite activity after dinner is to crawl around and follow the dog where ever he goes.

Nap
He is now napping, which is amazing! He is much more skittish at nap time than bedtime, so we are still having to be extra careful. I rock him to sleep in my arms with a bottle at nap time, and then have now graduated to being able to lay him in his bed and sit nearby in the room as he naps.  Major progress!

Bedtime 
is pleasant as he now has his routine down and loves being tucked in. He's still in our bed as he still wakes up multiple times in the night reaching out for us and panicking. Some nights are better than others.  We are finally beginning to realize that when he's been around a lot of people and felt uncomfortable, his nights are much more restless and he cries in his sleep a lot more.  It's helping us to gauge when we've pushed him too far emotionally.

Language
Panda not only has picked up on the concept of language as communication but is now saying a few words without prompting! Down, more, all done, uh-oh, help, hi, bye-bye  are the majority.  He does get them mixed up sometimes, which is hilarious. Sometimes he says "more" instead of "down", so I'll be holding him while he squeals, "more! more!" trying to wiggle out. I'll ask him if he means "down," and his eyes light up and he changes it to "down! down!"  He pretty much understands 25% of what we say to him, which is impressive. I'm sure a lot of his understanding stems from tone and gestures, but it still works out well. He's a smart little guy!

Bonding
His trust of his family seems to be growing daily.  He loves us and finds major comfort in us.  When he's uncomfortable around others he now reaches for me and wants to be held  - a really awesome sign! Lots of eye contact, smiles, playing and mimicking.

Adventurous Outlook on Life
Panda's overall attitude toward so many new experiences and people is incredible.  He not only doesn't fear the new, he embraces it.  A large part of that is he doesn't seem to suffer from any sensory defensiveness, which is impressive given his past. 
His first trip to the grocery store held so much joy I laughed the entire time.  When we first walked in his eyes got big and I heard a big, "WHOOOOAH!" It was the ceiling.  It was the coolest ceiling he had ever seen.  And then there was the cart.  What a fantastic ride! Oh, and it's cold! How fun! It made his hands cold! (insert constant laughter) If he put his hands on the cart and then on his face, he felt the cold on his face!! What is this magical place??!  
I've learned that grocery stores are one of the most challenging and overwhelming places for kids from orphanages. I went in with trainings, books, and personal stories under my belt bracing for the worst. Instead I got this:

Panda Challenges:

Eating
still a struggle, but definitely getting better as we continue to learn what he can eat and what hurts his teeth. He is now into our meal routine and understands from when and where his next meal is coming. He has almost stopped hoarding food altogether, which is impressive.

Drinking
He still won't drink anything but milk from a bottle, but at least he's drinking warm milk now and not Chinese formula! So we are counting that as a win for now! Baby steps.  We've tried every kind of sippy cup under the sun, straws, regular cups...he just doesn't like the liquid in his mouth unless it's warm milk from a bottle.

Teeth
Brushing still isn't happening, which is fine. His poor teeth are so bad I really don't think it even matters at this point.  We are waiting until he gets a full work-up before we take him to the dentist, as they will have to put him under to do all the work.  We want to be sure it is safe to put him under and he doesn't have any hidden health issues.

Communication
As any other toddler, Panda has freak-out moments. Because communication is so new to him, he doesn't even think to try to communicate while he's in the melt down, hence hindering our attempts to calm him.  There are simple things that I as a parent had always taken for granted, but are really great forms of communication that don't come naturally to him. Things like reaching his arms out for someone when he wants to be held, holding your hand on your booboo to communicate that something hurts, or even pointing a finger at what is causing the panic (ie the dog that looked at you funny.) Without these simplest forms of communication, you pretty much never know why a toddler is crying, and unfortunately these are so new to Panda that they go out the window when he's screaming and crying.  So I will be pretty honest, there are so many Panda melt-downs with unknown origins that I've just convinced myself it's because he needs extra love and to be held.  And so we cuddle.  It does seem to help, which is also a great sign of bonding!

The Outdoors
He hates them. All of it. The grass, the trees, the sky, the cold, the wind.  Totally freaks the little guy out.  We try hard to sympathize while still exposing him more and more to this overwhelming world, hopefully making it less intimating step by step.  Considering how quickly he has adjusted to everything else, I like to think he'll be hiking up a mountain in a few short years.

I will attempt to update each month the little guy is home! It's definitely a challenge now to sit down and type anything out as I work hard to prioritize my time - kids' emotional and physical needs first! Dishes, laundry, texts and blog entries can totally wait.  I am constantly chanting this to myself as our house looks a bit like a tornado hit it, and I'm sitting on the floor with Ladybug and Panda singing The Itsy Bitsy Spider for the 53rd time.  (When I say it like that it sounds mind-numbing. I assure you it's anything but! To watch Panda's eye contact and joy, and Ladybug's language skills emerge as she bonds with her little brother really gets your heart going!)

A huge thank you to all of the family and friends who are bringing us clothes, meals, and most importantly praying for us. We love you all and are leaning on you more than you know during this time of transition!

First time at the park

One of his favorite pastimes - wearing Ladybug's shoes on his hands while he crawls around the house.

It only took him a few days to learn how to crawl up into a chair. He was so proud of himself!

The Duke's first day back to work was really rough on Little Panda. He was happy to have him home that afternoon!