Sunday, June 30, 2019

1.5 Year Mark - Our Feisty Fella

It has been a year and a half with our special guy! The Duke and I were looking back at pictures and videos of him a year ago and were blown away with the changes - physical and personality. He has grown so much. Check this out- a side-by-side of his baseball get-up. You can just see the change in his face! (Yes, exact same shirt and hat from a year ago!) His dependence on Mom versus his newfound confidence are also evident in the two photos. It used to be tough to catch a photo of him not being held. Today he runs and plays all by himself!


Oh, this is too fun. Let's do more.
A year ago a moment when he would allow Dad to hold him was rare and exciting. Now, as soon as The Duke gets home from work, wrestle time has begun! Panda has so much more confidence in his relationship with each of us. He is willing to separate from Mom (when at home) and is no longer intimidated by Dad. He soaks up every moment with his Daddy.



Sibling love? Still awesome. A little more disagreeing than before as he has found his little voice and opinion, which is a good thing. 


Mr. Panda has gotten extremely funny and feisty - even more than before. Man, that kid's sense of humor is amazing. He loves playing jokes on everyone, and it is just about impossible not to laugh!


Funny story: We had just boarded a plane on our way to visit my brother and his family, when I looked over at Panda and Ladybug. They had both casually taken the safety brochure out of the pocket and were intensely studying it. It wasn't long before Panda yelled (he has no low volume) "Mommy Mommy! Look! The airplane is going to land on the water! Yay!!!" Quite a few of the surrounding passengers stirred. Haha! I answered with a simple, "No, buddy, hopefully not. We will land on a runway." It took a while to convince him.


Quick list of updates:

Growth: Thank God for modern medicine! Our little guy has grown 4 inches in the past year since beginning his treatment. He is still wearing 12-18 month clothes, but the 12 month shirts are beginning to get tight! His feet have grown 3 sizes already. So get this - one of his favorite things in the world is shoe shopping for himself. I hadn't even thought of this, but he's been through multiple seasons of shopping for Ladybug but never himself. (Because he hasn't been growing.) When we finally went to buy him a new pair of tennis shoes, he was beyond excited! He ran up to each person in the store to show them his new shoes and then proceeded to do a very touch-down-esque victory dance. I can't wait to see his reaction one day when we take him shopping for actual clothes. 

Sleep: Still in his Panda Cove in our room, but he is consistently napping upstairs in his own room. This means that during the day he now feels confident Mom isn't going to leave! We are constantly working to build that feeling of safety. His nightmares are always dependent upon what he is currently experiencing during the day as his anxiety manifests itself in his sleep. A couple of weeks ago he had a traumatic doctor's appointment, and thus a few weeks of nightmares. 

Language: Panda is becoming easier and easier for others to understand as his pronunciation is improving. I would venture to estimate his language skills are similar to that of a young 3 year old - full sentences but still a struggle to comprehend for people outside of the family. But due to his age his word choice is unusual for his size. It's hilarious. I went to wake him from a nap and I got a "Oh, hello Mother! Nice to see you." Yes- he calls me Mother sometimes and thinks it's the funniest thing in the world! It kind of is. He has great comedic timing - he doesn't overuse it and waits until it is least expected. 

Physical Development: Panda runs, climbs, and jumps like a wild animal! He's so energetic and adventurous and loves to be as active as possible. Most of the time you'll find him running around the house singing at the top of his lungs with some sort of toy in hand. He has become less sit-with-mommy focused and more play-and-explore focused these past few months. To the point that I will pick him up and he'll wiggle and ask to be put down. This is enormous for him - and a proud moment for this mom! I wish I could insert a play picture right here, but they always just come out as a little blur across the screen.  

Panda has received more responsibilities around the house as he's gotten older, and he takes a lot of pride in it. He loves being a part of the family and contributing just like everybody else. He sets the table, helps put away laundry, and cleans up after he eats. We have figured out a way to move all of the kids' dishes to where he can reach, all of his clothes are within reach on the ground, and we keep a stool by the sink for just this purpose. It has given him an amazing sense of belonging and purpose, so we work hard to accommodate him and anything he needs. 

Three words that would wrap up this month with Panda are rambunctious, inquisitive, and mischievous. He's on the go, and you never know quite what he's up to! He almost never crosses the line into actually getting into trouble. He more just flirts with it, and you gotta respect that. I love his spunk.  












Thursday, June 20, 2019

My Hair Might Fall Out

It’s so easy to focus just on the amazing parts of parenting and adoption, or even to just focus on the hard parts. But most of the time the two collide and are simultaneously present.

Allow me to paint a picture:
Ladybug has had a rough month of seizures, on top of a large amount of specialist appointments and procedures. Panda had a traumatic appointment last week when a doctor did a biopsy and stitched him up with no anesthesia. (A very long story, don't get me started). The subsequent effect on him has been quite a bit of regression with his anxiety and paranoia that Mom is going to leave him. Cue the frequent nightmares and the need for Mom's presence and attention almost every minute of the day. And poor Ladybug is about done not being able to be independent - needing help with the restroom, needing help to get a toy or a marker to draw, etc. And Mama is run ragged physically and mentally after so many appointments, procedures, 3 weeks of constant seizure-care, midnight comforts for Panda, and the emotional kiddos that are the result of all of the above.

So this morning I woke up at 5:15 to spend some quiet time in prayer and reading the Bible with my latte. (Yes, I totally still do this when I'm up all night. I've tried sleeping in another hour, but I've learned I'm just in a better mental place if I wake up and spend and hour with God instead. It's counterintuitive, but so true for me.) This particular morning one of my prayers was for the Lord to lead me in my parenting today - for an opportunity to really show my kids God's love and live it out. Sadly, in our recent chaos I had been less than graceful.

Ladybug and The Duke returned home around 7:00 a.m. from her sleep study at the hospital. If you've ever had an EEG, you know there's some major hair mess going on there.


So as soon as she was fed, we went straight to the bath to begin the 30 minute process of cleaning all of the glue out of her hair. She was incredibly emotional (lack of sleep and exhaustion from the anxiety of the whole ordeal) and everything set her off and caused a melt-down.  Panda was a whole new level of anxious with her and his Daddy being gone from evening until morning and not understanding any of it. His anxiety presents itself more quietly but more concerning - when he goes quiet you know that he's losing it. I usually find him in a corner rocking himself violently.

I was kneeling by the tub attempting to sooth Ladybug as I worked the glue from her hair and was giving as much attention as possible to Panda as he was desperately clawing at me from behind, when my phone rang. It was one of her specialists trying to have a deep conversation about something of concern they found. I had the classic mom position going - hiding in the closest closet, phone on one ear and finger in the other, scrambling to find a pen  to try to scribble down some of the medical terminology I didn't understand and to write down the appointment they wanted to schedule. After hanging up, I quickly texted The Duke the important update, and hurried back into the bathroom. Neither kid was thriving: Ladybug was exhaustion-crying (is that a thing?) in the bathtub covered in sores and spots from all the electrodes the night before, and Panda was rocking himself, freaking out because I stepped into my closet to answer the doctor's phone call - without him! Might as well have just left the planet...

It was about this time that it hit me - this was my opportunity. This was the opportunity I had prayed for - to parent them. It is easy to be a loving, patient parent when everything is going smoothly. But it's the moments like these, when chaos is happening and my mind is tempted to be distracted or overwhelmed, when what I say and do as a mom really matters. These are the moments that have the largest impact on my kids - this is what they will internalize. Think about it - what do you remember best about that friends you treasure the most? How they were with you through the good times, or how they supported you during the hard times? What an unexpected but beautiful answer to my prayer this morning - I had asked for an opportunity to show my kids who God is and what love looks like. This was my chance.

I took a deep breath and focused on the moment and meeting their current needs. No, Ladybug didn't calm down much. Yes, Panda was still totally not okay when I was blow-drying Ladybug's hair later and not playing with him. (see picture below) But I was the eye in the storm. I loved them and guided them and explained to them as much as I could as we finished up the process. In the end, I got Ladybug to sleep in time well before the big appointment we had at 11:00 am and got Panda a nice, long Mommy cuddle with hugs and eye contact. God helped me to refocus mid-chaos.

Parenting our children through the tough times is what parenting is all about.  I loved this ah-ha moment today - the word that kept repeating in my brain was "opportunity." I had the opportunity to share God's love with my family.


  • Panda melt-down = opportunity
  • Sitting on the ground, holding a crying Ladybug after a seizure = opportunity
  • Having a  (respectful) confrontation with a doctor with the children present = opportunity
  • Breaking up a sibling fight = opportunity 
  • Working through therapy when Ladybug refuses = opportunity 
Adoption is hard, in the big moments and in the small day-to-day life, like today. 


But aren't the best things in life usually the hardest


Anything worth having is hard. So praise God and bring on the "hard"!












What University-Model School Looks Like in our Home

 With everything going on in the world and the school systems, I have had a lot questions about what type of school our children attend and ...