The Decision

One of the first questions we get asked when we share that we are in the adoption process is "Why China?" Ligit question.  Let me see if I can explain the decision-making process we went through.   I want to be candid about our hopes and our doubts, and explain how they shaped our walk through this process.

We had always had the idea of adoption floating in the air between us and had approached it as "after we have our 3 boys, we will start looking into adopting a fourth child." I literally laugh out loud like a crazy person when I remember our "plans."  Ah, younger me.

We knew about 5 months into my pregnancy that we were never going to do this again.  I had a rough go of it.  But in the end, our little Ladybug was safely delivered and I also survived.  We have had several different doctors approach us to recommend we not have more children biologically.  My husband and I were fortunate, I guess you could say, in that we never disagreed with any of them.  I probably wouldn't live through another.  But that ache for more children remains.

And so adoption moved from the back burner to the front.  But that's about as far as we had gotten.  How do we go about this?  How do we even begin?  We researched and prayed.  I had felt the call to adopt internationally for a while, but The Duke (my husband chose his own nickname) wasn't quite feeling it. The way we saw it, we had 3 choices: private domestic adoption, foster-to-adopt, and international adoption.  No matter which way you go, adoption is incredible and completely in line with God's word.  Please do not take our thought process as reasons to not do domestic or foster-to-adopt.  In fact, there is a always a chance we may take one of these other routes in the future.  I'm just explaining how we landed on China this time.

We read blogs, consulted with agencies, spoke to people within our church who have done all 3.  We bought adoption books and prayed like crazy.  Our final reasoning was this:

Foster to adopt - I could not get my mind right for this one.  It takes an amazingly strong person to foster.  For me to have a child in my home would mean to fall completely in love with them.  Despite my best efforts, I would be immediately convinced this child was a part of our family.  And then, if the courts ordered, I'd have to give them up.  You have to have the right mindset to foster, and I didn't.  However, this is the most affordable option of the three.

Domestic adoption - Most adoptions domestically are now open adoptions, meaning some sort of contact is kept with the birth mother.  This is healthier for the child, so it is a good thing.  But it made us nervous. I'm not sure why - everything we studied and read said this is best for the child, and of course we want that. There is also the chance of bringing home a child for a few weeks and then having to give him/her back if the birth mom changed her mind.  Once again, not the situation for me at this point in my life.

International adoption - Once again, international adoption had been tugging on my heart for some time.  It was actually the first time I really felt God move / speak to me in a big way. Adoptions internationally are generally either an older child, sibling group, or a younger child with special needs.  The thing here is we were not deterred by special needs, as our Ladybug has introduced us into the special needs world.  It is a challenge of course, but we felt we were finally getting our sea legs and were able to navigate the waters with another. We wanted to stay away from an older child because we felt strongly that maintaining birth order for our Ladybug was important. We want her to still be the oldest child.  She has struggled for most things in her life that come naturally to other children, and is well aware of it.  She needs to be the big kid, the expert, the teacher.

So, decision made. Then came the country.  Originally the thought was to stick with Europe so that the child would be within the same race as our family, thinking this may make the transition easier on the child.  But no country in Europe felt right. We researched all European countries open to U.S. adoptions.  I'm not sure how to explain it, but we both ended up having an uneasy feeling about it.  Africa and South American countries worried us because of the travel time required to adopt there - most required you to live in country for a few months.  With Ladybug's medical support system we have built here in the U.S., moving her even for a few months seemed unwise.  This left Asia.  I have had a very special place in my heart for Asia ever since I taught ESL (English as a Second Language) for two years and the majority of my students were from Asia.  I did a mental happy dance that we had settled on the continent, which would have been my personal choice from the beginning.  Most Asian countries have strict laws based on who may adopt from their country.  We only qualified for two - India and China.  We were excited about the prospect of China, so decided to go for it.

It's strange being able to fit that entire decision-making process on which country to adopt from into one paragraph like it was as simple as that.  Completely contrary - this seemed to be one of our most difficult decisions.  It was one of those where we sat back for a while and just prayed about it, expecting one of those lightening moments where God just tells you what to do.  Makes sense, right?  He has a child already picked out for us, who is likely already conceived and/or born.  Just lead us there, Lord!  But what we found at the beginning of this process is that we had to take a step out on faith, and then it was like God took us by the hand to guide us.  But when we sat back and did nothing, we got no instruction.  It's kind of like the illustration of God lighting up the path for only one step at a time. In order to find out where you are going, you just have to start walking.  It was one baby step at a time, all the while keeping our eyes fixed on Him to make sure we were going the right way.  So after weeks of prayer, we finally just picked a place and rolled with it. (originally a European country).  We called an agency to set up a meeting. Then things quickly fell into place guiding us away from Europe and straight to China. Within a week of "picking" our country, God had us settled on China.  We both felt completely at peace and couldn't wait to share the news with our families.  And so it began.

Now to address concerns we have either had ourselves or been asked by others.

Why go oversees to adopt when there are so many children here in America that need homes?
The simple answer is, because our son was born in China and we need to go get him and bring him home.  If your baby was born in another country, you'd do the same.
The longer answer:  By adopting from China, we are not saying orphans in the U.S. don't deserve families.  ALL ORPHANS deserve and desperately need families!!  This is simply the direction the Lord has led us.  If adopting from the U.S. is something you are passionate about, the Lord gave you that passion for a reason! It might be worth looking into.

Is it okay to have a multiracial family?
Simple answer: Yes.
Our little Panda Bear is already a part of our family and has been for years, even though he isn't physically here yet.  We will celebrate our similarities and our differences, just like we do with our little Ladybug.  She is very different from my husband and I, and we enjoy every bit of the way God made her.  We look forward to learning about and enjoying little Panda's Chinese heritage.  We want him to never doubt his place and love in our family while embracing everything that makes him unique.

Wow. You are a special person to adopt a child with special needs.
Simple answer: Nope.
This one is harder to answer because we've heard it a few times, and before Ladybug I felt the same way.  Keep that life as far away from me as possible, but I majorly salute those who can do it.  You know, the super fighter moms who seem like they could snap a crocodile in half with their minds.  The truth is, we will constantly be put into situations we cannot handle.  It isn't our job to be "strong enough," but to allow the Lord to carry us through it.  I have recently learned to never say "I could never do that."  I think every time I think that I learn that I actually could do that if I needed to, just like anyone else could.

Is it wise to adopt a child with high needs when you already have one that has special needs?
This one was one of our biggest concerns from the beginning.  We have been very careful throughout this process to not take on so much that it would take away from Ladybug's care/attention.  As I will explain later in greater detail, we have been put in many situations where we have had to turn down a child because it wasn't possible to provide both children with the care they would need.  We wouldn't be doing anyone any favors by adopting a child we couldn't adequately care for.


I hope this post answers a lot of questions about how we began this process and chose to adopt.  If you have any others, feel free to ask me personally or in the comments below.  Please be kind in your wording! (Public blogs scare me.)