Our little guy has fallen back a little bit emotionally as he mourns his orphanage life. I think the newness and excitement is wearing off and old memories are flooding back. He's reverted back to wanting to be held all day and isn't his normal chipper self. He isn't okay being alone and even if it's him who crawls away from me, he completely panics and there is seriously no way to calm him. He just cries and cries on my shoulder for the better part of half an hour, soaking my shirt with his little tears. It's so sad. He's definitely hurting.
I’ve had a lot of questions about why on earth would Panda be grieving? Shouldn’t he just be overjoyed at having a family and a home and people who love and care for him? Shouldn’t he be thankful for regular meals and story times and a warm bed to sleep in?
Imagine you are kidnapped from your home and family without any warning by someone you trusted. He hands you over to a couple of people without any explanation. You don't understand anything these people say or do. They seem to meet your basic needs and are kind, but you are devastated, missing and longing for your home, your people, your smells, your normal. Then you begin to realize you will never see your people or your home again. This is permanent and there's no going back.
Yes, Panda absolutely loves us and is thriving in his new family and home, but the orphanage was his home for almost three years. It is a part of him and his past. One day he will see it more clearly, but for now he has some very real, very understandable grief to work through.
This month hit us with a whole new wave of doctor appointments including the endocrinologist squeezing us into a cancellation spot! Wahoo! We actually just received word yesterday that he will be proceeding to the next level of testing for a possible growth hormone deficiency. This wasn't unexpected news, but it will be a bit of a rough road for the next few years as we finish up all his medical testing and procedures and begin his treatment. We are thankful to live in a place with such easy access to some of the most amazing doctors in the world. He is also seeing around 9 other specialists for ancillary issues, including an ophthalmologist, urologist, neurologist, audiologist, geneticist, etc... Each doctor has labs and procedures they need to order and multiple follow up appointments. It will be a long year.
We also got our new family pictures in! Our photographer is amazing, and I can't tell you how wonderful it is to see pictures of all four of us up around the house now. Panda and Ladybug have both definitely noticed and seem pleased with the changes. I'll share a few at the end.
Panda Challenges:
The Mourning
Nightmares, bouts of crying that can't be soothed, extra neediness...it will pass. But it does break my mama heart to watch him suffer through it. (Plus it scares the crap out of me when he just starts screaming in the middle of the night!)
Adjusting to Medical Life
This is tough for anyone, but I think combining it with all of the other major life changes he's going through and not understanding the big picture of why mom allows nurses and doctors to "hurt" him just makes everything more challenging. He feels victimized at his frequent doctor and lab appointments, and it just pulls on my heart. We experienced the same thing with Ladybug when she was younger, and it just never gets easier.
Panda Awesomeness:
Communication
Panda is understanding around 75% of what we are telling him and picking up on appropriate responses to social situations. (rubbing Ladybug's back if she's crying, blowing kisses and waving when people are leaving, etc.) He is also using the few phrases he knows to communicate what he needs with us - it's so impressive. And he's picking up on new phrases/words daily. As I'm typing this he's pointing to our pup saying, "Dog! Ruff ruff! In his bed." followed up by, "Some more. Yum!" pointing to his plate where the meat was. The concept of a name is still his arch nemesis, as it is completely foreign to him. (They don't call the kiddos by name in orphanages.)
Growth!
I'm happy to report he has grown an entire inch since last month and gained a pound! Praise God! Plus he is now on a medical path to receiving the interventions he needs to thrive.
Kindness and Sense of Humor
Panda seriously has the kindest and most joyful heart! Now that he's becoming more comfortable and showing us more sides of his personality, his gentleness and compassion are amplified. He loves to laugh, with or without other people. He just cracks himself up! One of his favorite activities includes playing jokes on us, which I can testify are ligit. He makes this mama burst out laughing multiple times a day. I'll ask him to come here, and he'll turn to crawl toward me. Then all of a sudden he starts to crawl backwards and feigns a look of complete shock, as if he has no idea how he hit reverse. Then he gives that sheepish grin and just dies laughing at himself. I think it's a mixture of his facial expressions and his creativity that make his jokes so funny!
I can't tell you how happy it makes me to hear that little laugh. It used to cut me to my core when we were waiting the long months to go pick him up from China, knowing he wasn't likely getting to play and smile and be held by his mama. Hearing him laugh and watching his personality emerge is just music to my soul.
Brushing Teeth
Now his favorite activity! And woe to the parent who forgets teeth brushing time...
Eating
The kid wants protein, and lots of it! Any meat is his favorite (the polar opposite of Ladybug) with cheese, eggs, and nuts coming in a close second. Avocados are also a winner. Since we've been brushing his teeth, he's been chewing a lot better! We will see the hospital dentist as soon as we get the clear from the Endocrinologist to put him under.
Drinking
He has finally begun to drink water! Score! He is beginning to phase out his own bottle drinking now because he just isn't that thirsty anymore. All very good news. We still do three bottles a day ceremoniously to keep routine although he only drinks a little out of it. We're hoping he will allow us to drop a bottle from his daily regiment sometime in the near future.
The Outdoors
He not only is okay playing outside, but cheers when we head into the back yard! Talk about a 180. He still doesn't love grass or wind, but in typical Panda fashion, he's working through it.
Thank you to everyone who has been praying for us and loving on us. We are overjoyed to have such a strong and caring village. I feel like things are finally settling down and we have found our daily groove, which is really nice!
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