Gotcha Day #2

Two years ago today in the city of Xi'an, I stepped onto an elevator in a government building with my husband at my side and butterflies in my stomach, having no clue what to expect but knowing our entire lives were about to change. The elevator doors opened and already waiting for us in the hallway was the most precious little boy I had ever laid eyes on. The young Chinese nanny then handed me my son. (Here's my very unprofessional iphone video of this moment!)

Two years later on this same day we are celebrating our Panda. It is called "Gotcha Day" because it is the first day that we met, held, and got to take our Panda into our care. I used to think it should have been called "Adoption Day", but now I realize why that isn't the case. It is not our official adoption day. The day after our Gotcha Day we returned to the government building to fill out paperwork and complete the final adoption, and that time frame varies with each adoption. It was not the day he became a United States citizen either. He became a citizen the moment he stepped onto American soil for the first time with both parents present. Gotcha Day is the day our Panda, after far too long, was united with his family.

Our family celebrates Gotcha Day by having cake, a present, and retelling stories from that special time. Last year Panda received a photobook documenting his adoption time in China. It has been a favorite of his ever since, and it isn't unusual for him to go pull it off of the shelf on a Saturday morning and crawl into Daddy's lap, asking him to tell him the story again. It has even triggered curiosity for Ladybug who now asks a lot of questions about her time as a baby. Unfortunately we don't have a lot of pictures for her as we spent the first couple of years of her life in survival mode as we battled extreme seizures, etc. But we do have an album of her first birthday party, so we aren't afraid to pull that bad boy out for some good snuggle and story time too.

This year we decided to do another photobook documenting the past two years with both children, with the emphasis on our family as a whole. Panda also requested last night that we all eat cake and then he and Ladybug can snuggle while The Duke and I remind them both how much we love our kids. This was literally the plan he came up with. He even gave me a script! I was to say, "Daddy, we sure do love these two kids of ours!" and he was to answer, "Yep! Both of them!" And then (and only then) we were to join in the snuggling.

However by the end of the day today, his script fell to the wayside under the excitement of cake and opening a present. There was still snuggling as the kids went down memory lane ever so carefully, not wanting to miss a single picture. Like a couple of old women looking back through the good ol' days, each picture spurred a story and a conversation, complete with a ton of questions from Panda as he seems to not remember much from 2018.

Panda insisted we watch the YouTube video (above) a few times throughout today and talk through the photobook we gave him last year. He absolutely loves hearing his adoption story, and we love telling it to him! We did have some tougher questions to answer this year, including whose tummy he came from, and why not Mommy's? It was an opportunity to discuss how families come together in all sorts of ways.  (Side note to anyone else answering similar questions: Lamb-a-roo by Diana Kimpton has been incredibly helpful with these conversations!) After further inquiry, we discussed that he came from his birthmom's tummy. I could see the wheels turning during that conversation. I have no doubt more in-depth questions are on their way.

This isn't a conversation we ever shy away from, but it hasn't come up a lot in the past couple of years. In fact, when I attempt to seize an opportunity to explain it, Panda tends to shut me down. So today was unique in that he was allowing himself to wonder and ask.

Adoption is so beautiful, but there has to be brokenness and pain for it to take place. Unfortunately the two go hand-in-hand. Today we were reminded of what Panda has lost, but we also celebrated God bringing all four of us together and the love of the past two years. Gotcha Day is our time to focus on our family's blessings and relationships, and how God's sovereign hand has weaved it all together in a complicated and perfect pattern.

We love our Panda with all of our hearts, and he was our missing puzzle piece in life. I don't know how God takes what is broken and brings restoration and healing, but I am so thankful that he does.

Antonio Panda Vivaldi

As mentioned earlier, our young Panda fell in love with Four Seasons by Antonio Vivaldi on YouTube this past August. Apparently, this wasn't just a phase. He has continued with his love of all things Vivaldi consistently for the past few months. Vivaldi's Four Seasons is all he wants to listen to in the car, all he wants to watch on T.V., and usually his game of choice during playtime. He has a unique gift for turning anything within a few feet's radius into a violin - Lincoln logs, books, markers...and he plays with such gusto!

It was at our church's coffee sale when he sat out front playing a coffee bag with a Lincoln log that we decided we needed to give in. This was happening. It is an interest that is obviously here to stay for at least a little while. Time to figure out the next step...

It looks like he needs a cup out front for donations! Ha!

So the following week I took him by a local violin shop and asked them what they suggested, expecting some concert times and dates we could go watch an orchestra. Instead, they recommended lessons. Apparently Panda isn't too young to begin violin lessons, and they actually make violins small enough for him to rent. Who knew? I walked out of the shop with a list of violin instructors in our area and an incredibly happy Panda.

After a few phone calls and a meeting with an instructor, we rented an impossibly small violin and have received our homework leading up to his first lesson. You cannot begin to imagine his elation. He has been having trouble sleeping knowing his very own violin is downstairs waiting for him. The instructor has asked us not to touch the bow yet, so he just takes the violin out of its case and holds it, pretending to play it with an imaginary bow, for hours. It is just the sweetest thing!

We will see how his love for the violin plays out over the next few months. Perhaps after learning how much work an instrument takes he will be ready to move on to something else. Perhaps his violin-love goes deeper than any of us expected. Either way, a few months of lessons seems like a good move at this point. Plus, one thing he has mentioned in his enthusiasm is how pleased he is to have something that is all his.  No one else in the family plays the violin.  He has made it clear that he will be the only one receiving lessons and how willing he is to teach the rest of us if we would like. It seems the student has longed to become the teacher for a while now! I love watching his confidence build even before we have begun.

I'm excited to see him stretch himself and be challenged. Plus, come on, he's seriously the cutest!! I melt every time he picks up the violin and begins his pretend concert! Best music I've ever heard.

October Panda

The month of October had been a main focus of Panda's for a while. With much anticipation he explained to basically everybody (the man standing in line behind us at Walgreens, Ladybug's swim instructor, etc.) that it is the magic month in which he

a. gets to go to a beach house and
b. gets glasses.

Chances are that if you ran into us at any point, you too have gotten this speech from our sweet Panda. Apparently there is nothing more exciting in the world than those two events!

The first weekend in October we rented a beach house. Ya'll, if I were born to a different life, I would have been a beach bum.  I would have enjoyed the sound of the rolling waves and gazed at the sky meeting the ocean on the horizon and may have actually been incredibly chill. (Okay, maybe that's too far.) I would unapologetically have had leathery, wrinkly skin from being out in the sun all day. It would have been fantastic. But alas, our Ladybug has heat-induced seizures, and so we spend the summer months hiding from the hot Texas sun. But the minute we begin to sense that autumn is creeping in, to the beach we go!

I made the mistake of telling Panda about this trip months ago. Each morning I heard the inevitable question, "We going to beach house??!" Not yet. In October. Every single time we walked out of the door, he assumed that's where we were heading. "Hey Mom! We going to beach house??" No, little guy. It is only August. He would insist that's where The Duke went each morning instead of work. He'd cheer loudly for his dad, and then beg to join him. Mom, you can't rain on my parade with your fancy "dates." I'm pretty sure we are heading to the beach house right now.
I have learned a valuable lesson about sharing our family vacation too early!

The trip itself was i-n-c-r-e-d-i-b-l-e. We ate, slept, and played on the beach! Once or twice we squeezed in a movie. Panda has adjusted to the beach over the past couple of years and wasn't even bothered by the sand this trip. I wouldn't call him comfortable as he never left Ladybug's side, but he was full of smiles and laughs and belly flops (in one inch of water).

It was an almost magical time of refreshment for me, and subsequently my family, as I finally decompressed a bit. Vitamin D and the sounds of the ocean mixed with joyful squeals can seriously do miracles.

As for Panda's swag with his glasses...I'm pretty sure I am not physically capable of taking enough pictures!

What Panda did not quite know is that he would be undergoing eye surgery before he was able to get glasses. We waited until the actual week of the surgery before we dropped that little bomb.

It was supposed to be a fairly simple surgery, minus the anesthesia aspect. Panda has not reacted well to anesthesia in the past. We have had some pretty terrifying moments involving crash carts upon waking from procedures...He has given us all some pretty good scares, and now when he needs even a simple procedure, it isn't so simple. We were sent all around town for this surgery as multiple facilities weren't qualified to handle Panda's particular anesthesia risks. We landed with one of the top Ophthalmology surgeons and top anesthesiologists, so we went into the procedure with slightly more confidence.

Panda has nystagmus, which means his eyes are constantly moving back and forth, never still. His null point, the point at which he is able to hold his eyes mostly still and try to focus, is to his right, meaning he has to turn his head to try to see something clearly. The doctors have explained that as he grows, this constant head turn will affect the way his spine grows. No bueno. They planned to go in and rearrange the muscles in the back of his eyes, changing his null point to straight ahead. (See pic below for an example)

They have also had a tough time getting a read on his prescription as his eyes are always moving, and so while he was under they had planned to get a better read on his eye sight.

As it happens, they put him under only to find out during his eye exam that this whole thing is far more complicated than expected. They decided it was safer for now to not go forward with the surgery and just send us around to multiple more specialists before we tamper with his eye muscles. And thus, he had to wake up from anesthesia yet again, and it was incredibly dramatic and scary again. The whole thing was basically a wash except for the fact that they were finally able to figure out his prescription and we ordered the little fella some glasses.

The good news is that Panda is okay and breathing well to date, he now has glasses and can see better, and has already been seen by multiple specialists about this new medical mystery. Even though he has been with us almost two years the mysteries are still popping up, and it seems that last month  we reopened Pandora's box. We are definitely bummed that this may be a much bigger issue in his life, but we have grown used to the medical mystery song and dance. Let the research and endless appointments/tests begin! (again)

On a happy note, Panda and Ladybug trick-or-treated like little champs this year. Both kids were physically able to walk from house to house in their costumes - a first in our family history!! We are so thankful. God has blessed us beyond measure!

Someone slow this ship down!

Wow...ever since Ladybug began kinder, life has just turned into a blur.

I guess you could say that the Duke and I had the unique opportunity years ago to adjust our parenting perspective. Well, to adjust our everything perspective. Back in the day when Ladybug was an infant, she was diagnosed with Hurler's Syndrome and we were told she wouldn't live until her first birthday. Pretty much falls into the category of some of the hardest news a parent could ever get.

We were devastated, called for prayer from every corner of the earth, and then turned our focus inside our little home, trying to squeeze a lifetime of enjoyment from the few short months we had left with our sweet baby. (I thought I could breeze through this story without too much fuss, but I'm officially covered in tears right now. Six years and it is still tough.) I mean, I seriously wanted to soak in every. single. second. It was physically painful leaving her side for any reason. The Duke would kiss us goodbye in the morning to head to work and I could tell it was just as horrible for him. We didn't want to miss a single facial expression, sound, or smile. It was all so precious.

Due to an intensive treatment the doctors had her on, she was up most of the night screaming and crying. We may have been the only parents on the planet happily up with a screaming baby at 3 a.m., smiling at her and enjoying holding her, knowing that the time was drawing near when we would long for those sleepless nights. It was like I had some sort of love force field - she could cry seventeen hours a day but I had never enjoyed anyone so much. I was able to see the day-by-day struggles with grateful eyes, and yet it was simultaneously the hardest time of my life as we lived on borrowed time.

(For those of you who don't know how the story ends - God gave us a miracle. The leading experts in the field were all completely baffled. One day she had Hurler's Syndrome, the next time, she didn't. It was strange, unexplained, and they ran every test in the book trying to figure out how it had happened. Still no word.)

It was then that The Duke and I had our entire world and perspective turned upside down. We began to cherish those little moments like never before - even after the diagnosis was withdrawn. We got a front row seat to how incredibly fragile life is and how to not take the little things for granted. I went years of never missing a single bedtime with Ladybug. There was something so special about each and every one.

Fast forward another few years and along came Panda. It is heartbreaking knowing you've missed so much of your little one's early life - his first smile, his first bedhead, his first time to crawl. I find myself often feeling that same urgency to capture every moment - pictures, videos, documenting it in anyway possible- there's just so much I don't want to miss. It is like trying to squeeze in extra memories to make up for lost time.

Presently, Ladybug has begun kindergarten. (She is alive, walking, talking, reading, socializing, misbehaving, loving, crying, and learning. It's just so incredible!)

But in the hustle and bustle that surrounds school, I have lost my perspective. I have allowed life to start flying by. Because that's what life does when left to its own devices. It blurs past us. It takes intention and a continual reevaluating our days to slow it down.

And so currently, I'm holding a merciless elimination round to our weekly commitments and our daily routine. Each day is full of good things - but packing my schedule full of good things tends to push out the most important things. Even Jesus said no to good things in order to accomplish the most important ones. I love studying how Jesus spent his time here on earth. It's fascinating. He could have easily run himself ragged healing and teaching, as both were so obviously needed. He could have over-packed His schedule with good things. But He understood the limitation of time, and He also understood what should take priority. He was diligent and hardworking, but He was always taking time to be alone with the Father. He even said a hard no to continuing His ministry here on earth so He could finish the thing He came for - the most important thing - going to Jerusalem to be killed and then raised again. In fact, He had a confrontation with Peter who tried to persuade Him otherwise. (Matthew 16:21-23) Jesus rebuked him saying, "You are not setting your mind on the things of God, but on the things of man."

Well, there it is. In these past few months in the midst of all of these wonderful activities, I have lost sight of the big picture. What really matters in the end? What does it all boil down to?  I want the time and mental energy to sit down enjoy the moment with my loved ones - making eye contact, genuinely laughing with them, crying with them, creating and talking and brainstorming with them. I want to love and enjoy them SLOWLY and stop all of the rushing! (Physical rushing and the mental rushing to which I am prone.)

Today, we will block out time after lunch to create a mile-long domino line instead of folding laundry. Tomorrow: we will do nothing, if even just for thirty minutes. And Sunday, we will clear our afternoon to just play board games. Have you ever noticed that if you don't reserve that time, it tends to disappear? Disappear for good things of course, but I would be willing to argue that playing Chutes and Ladders with my family, bonding and laughing together, showing our children their extreme value with our time and attention, would qualify as the best thing.

School Adjustments and the Healing of Music

August and September have been our season of change around here as Ladybug has begun kindergarten! She is totally rocking it, which is a celebration and probably a blog post in and of itself. Three years ago we definitely didn't know if kindergarten was possible! God has blessed us in amazing ways around here.

Yes, Panda is mimicking Ladybug with "his" pink backpack that he drags along the ground to imitate Ladybug's superior kindergarten roll. Ugh, if only he were so cool...

Even small shifts in Panda's life rock him to his little core, so Ladybug going off to kinder two days a week has been quite the adjustment, complete with hard days and nights. The first day of school The Duke accompanied us for the momentous occasion, proudly donning the rainbow necklace she had beaded him the day prior. (I think the whole family had all the feels!)  Panda seemed to go along with everything just fine until the moment we walked out of Ladybug's classroom. The shock and betrayal on his face was evident, and he refused to make eye contact with The Duke or me for the rest of that day. For the rest of her school day he wouldn't eat and wanted only to play by himself. There was ice in the air between Mom and Panda that day. Things got real. When he was forced to interact with me, there was a lot of anger. I got to see a whole new side of our little Panda.

If you're thinking, "Didn't she go to preschool?" then you're thinking the exact same thoughts I was having that day. But alas, I have a feeling he may have to process his array of fears and feelings multiple times before he comes to terms with Ladybug being left at school. And then, behold, it will be his turn. Lord help us all!

Three days out of the week she is at home, and we are spending a considerable amount of time each day doing her curriculum. This has been another adjustment little Panda has had to make - either join in and learn or play quietly alone. Panda embodies the opposite of both of those words: quiet and alone. He is anything but quiet, and alone doesn't sit well with him. So basically all five days of the week he is working through some adjustments. However, there's another side to the coin - with the change of Ladybug's school comes new ideas and topics to learn. Music in particular has basically captured Panda's mind and taken over his imagination over the past four weeks.

Panda's love for all things music
Ladybug is going to a classical school, which means the music curriculum is for real, y'all. We (I say we because I am learning right along with her) are learning about the Baroque Period and about some of the main composers of that time. Now I will preface this next part with saying that I know absolutely nothing about classical music, so when I read through the music curriculum, my assumption was that my children would also be slightly bored with it. I had planned to skim over it quickly and rush to reading instruction. (my favorite)

However, the minute I pulled out the information page on the Baroque Period that the music teacher asked parents to read aloud, it was snatched out of my hands. Panda and Ladybug had one million questions about the men in the black and white pictures and had the composers' names memorized within minutes. Then Ladybug began to beg to listen to their music. I found Vivaldi's Four Seasons on YouTube (because I'm so resourceful) and thought, Sure! Watch a quick five minute video of some music and then we can move on with our day. Whoa, was I wrong! And I'm so grateful I was, too. First of all, Four Seasons is almost an hour long. And my kids want to watch every single minute of it. Over and over again. Panda begs for it the moment he wakes up in the morning and then if I am not quick enough to comply, he will bust out his own "violin" and belt out in his loudest toddler voice his interpretation of the complicated notes.

His face in this one is so intense it makes me laugh every time!

And so we spend a good hour doing music every at-home school day, complete with history of the composer, education on their music/favorite instruments, and lots and lots of dancing! I am held quite accountable by my two little bosses to not try to skimp out on the music part of our day. It is their favorite part of school, and it will not be cut short!

In the afternoons when we are finally finishing Ladybug's other homework, Panda is waiting with baited breath to perform his prepared concert for me. The audience must sit on the couch while he takes the "stage" on the hearth. Side benefit: He may even turn around and watch himself in the reflection of the glass in the fireplace. 

An hour later when this scene finally plays out, he switches to pretend play. He becomes Vivaldi, and we dare not call him by his actual name for the rest of the day. The poor soul who makes that mistake will be instantly and harshly admonished as he obviously isn't Panda anymore, but Vivaldi. Surrounded by amateurs...

I have begun to use the video on YouTube as an incentive. He may listen to Vivaldi's Four Seasons all day long, but to watch it must be earned. (Because, hey, you use what you got!) Sometimes after a hardworking morning, I will "allow" the kids to watch it at lunch. And here's what cracks me up - Panda is so engrossed in watching it for the 53rd time that he forgets to eat. The kid is obsessed and craves the music. 

Before you are too impressed, his other favorite YouTube is Llama Llama Red Pajama by Ludacris. He won't even allow me to read the book to him anymore. I have to rap it. Hey, the guy has a wide range of interests. He didn't want to get pigeonholed. 

Panda has always had a knack for music. He instantly internalizes any song we teach him and can name any tune we hum without hesitation. He can clap to the beat and will dance until he drops.  So this musical love is no surprise, just intensified as he has had more exposure through Ladybug's music curriculum. I sometimes wonder if it is his unique personality, genetic, or possibly making up for lost time...or all three.

Ladybug has always had a similar obsession with music and is constantly begging to watch orchestras and bands and old-timey musicals (think The Sound of Music and The Music Man). Both kids seem to find fascination and comfort in music of all sorts, so we decided to enroll them in an additional music class. Somewhere that they can learn and appreciate music with someone a little more educated in the musical aspect of life than their mom.

There is healing in music - there's just something about it. I am thankful that our little people have found an outlet and an interest that is completely unique to them. It's such a great reminder to me to not worry about being successful in a particular area of life, but to focus on appreciating it instead. Kids don't worry if they are good at dancing, singing, or playing their make-shift violin.  It's about the joy. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in mastery vs. failure that I forget to sit back and enjoy the beauty. I hope you find a way to enjoy the beauty today and to just rest in the journey.

600 Days of Panda

It has officially been 600 days since we got to hold our sweet Panda for the first time!

He has grown, matured, learned, and eaten so much! But I look forward to the day that I can say he has been home more days than he spent in the orphanage:

929 days - 2 years, 6 months, and 14 days 

So on June 27, 2020 we will be celebrating! He will have been home officially longer than sitting in the orphanage feeling forgotten, but so very not.

How many years did he spend before that with his birth mother? We don't know, nor may we ever know. Based on the dentist's estimation of his age, we believe close to 2 years with his birth mother. Due to his growth hormone deficiency, his age is very difficult to determine. I touched on this in a previous post - feel free to click back and read if you're trying to catch up on our Panda Puzzle! (Panda Update, 1 year and 4 months)

Panda Bear is rocking daily life around here!

Sleeping: I have to start here because this is where I am most excited to share! Ladybug moves downstairs to sleep at night in the hottest months of the year, and Panda asked if he could join her in the playroom this July.
~~Dramatic Pause~~
For the first time since coming home, Panda willingly moved into a different room to sleep at night than where Mom and Dad were. Y'ALL!
I'm pretty sure I didn't snap a picture for fear of knocking the moment off of its axis. He successfully slept in the playroom with Ladybug for about 2 weeks before asking to return to our room. He always wants to be sure his options are open and he's never being kicked out or abandoned. As he continues to build trust in his options, he will continue to take bigger strides out of the nest. We are so proud of him!

 <--The Nest

Eating: With Ladybug's birthday coming up, all Panda likes to discuss right now is cake. For a little boy who didn't even want to touch his first birthday cake the month after he came home, he has sure come around! Don't worry little fella, there will be cake galore.

He is learning to try new fruits and vegetables, although he still mostly just prefers meats and crackers. And now cheese - he has become quite the fan of cheese.
"Hey bud, would you like some lunch?"
"Yes, please! But just cheese, Mom. JUST CHEESE."

He is suddenly having trouble identifying when he is hungry, which is a very touchy subject for him. Children who have previously been in situations where their basic needs were not met will obviously have some triggers, and in this case, it is hunger. Things can turn on a dime - one moment Panda is peacefully playing with his dinosaurs, the next he is screaming in a complete panic and unable to communicate with me about why. He clings to me like his life depends on it (because in his mind at that moment it does) while I search every part of his body checking for a maimed limb or anything else that could spark such an intense and sudden reaction. I am learning now to check for hunger first, and 99.9% of the time, that's exactly what it is.

That being said, it seems to be healthy that he is processing these things during the day now as his nights have become much more tranquil. His nightmares have been significantly reduced in their frequency. His early food-related trauma appears to be coming to the surface and he's allowing himself to work through it. Thankfully we have been trained and have access to many resources for guiding our little guy through this challenge as this is a common issue for children who have been adopted. It won't be quick or easy, but we will trudge through this valley together, supporting Panda every step of the way.

Speech/language - Panda  is a nonstop chatterbox! He is still learning so much, language-wise and how to physically form words with his mouth and tongue. Others outside of the family still struggle to understand his sentences, but it doesn't deter him from trying. He likes to share his thoughts! (And when they do understand, it's hilarious to see the looks on their faces as they realize the little guy is actually quite bossy.)

Growth - I told Panda the other day when he put on his pants and they actually fit, "Hey buddy! You are growing!" He smiled, quite pleased with the compliment, and answered, "Oh! Thank you, Mommy!" He then proceeded to notify everyone he saw that day about his growth.
He's enjoying his new height since he is now able to reach things with the help of his little step stool. He carries it around the house for various endeavours...use your imagination for that one! If you can think it, he has likely tried it.

Separation from Mom: At church on Sundays now, Panda is excited to be dropped off in the classroom! He and Ladybug go to the same class which I know provides him comfort having his sister around. He is allowing himself to be babysat at times, and there is a little bit more flexibility to our lives as a result. Perhaps next year he will even be ready for a preschool program, but we will see. I have learned to not plan too far ahead and not to put either of my kids on my timeline - they will do life as they see fit. Whenever he is ready! He is spirited and brave, so I can't wait to see what Panda has in store for us.

A few pictures of Panda life:

Panda's favorite morning activity while I cook breakfast: sitting in the tray on the couch. 

Learning about our bones! Panda's favorite is the mandible.

Family game night is becoming more frequent as both kiddos are beginning to understand the concept of a game!

A rare cool morning when we were able to play outside!

Take notice: Panda's bare feet in the grass without a second thought! Oh how far he's come.

Life is about to change as Ladybug begins kindergarten, so prayers for little Panda. Ladybug is his best friend, so it will be an adjustment for him. People's presence (or lack thereof) affects him more than anything else, so The Duke and I are working hard to anticipate his needs to the best of our abilities. God bless all of you teachers and students out there as you also begin the school year! 

It Never Gets Easy

As I sat on the ground this morning cradling sweet Ladybug after a fall seizure, during which she hit her chin on the table on the way down, tears flowed from both my eyes and hers. She didn't say anything - she just looked into my eyes with little girl tears running down her face onto the ground and a giant bruise already forming on the bottom of her chin and knees. I tried to find the right words to remind her that she wasn't being carelessly clumsy, but that the great seizure that had taken her down this time couldn't be predicted or prevented. It wasn't her fault, and that even though we had just prayed thirty minutes earlier that God would keep her seizures away and heal her brain this morning, that He had chosen to answer differently than we would have liked. But that we trust Him all the same.

The Bible reiterates over and over how hard times strengthen our faith and to count it all joy as we face trials of various kinds.  It is easy to read and say, but so challenging to live and believe as your hold your baby on the floor after what was possibly her 300,000th seizure. (Not an exaggeration...I just did a quick calculation. If anything, I have guessed on the low end.)  When I'm rocking and squeezing my son as his body trembles from yet another nightmare for an hour straight. When we sit in the hospital and listen to doctors give us bad news yet again about one of our precious children. When people who know a little about my life say, "I could never do it."
Little do they know I can't either.

I believe firmly that we should research what we think to be true and examine all different points of views. We should always be ready to give a defense for what we believe. But there are times when faith has to surpass understanding. I seriously don't know how anyone makes it through life without the firm foundation of Jesus Christ. I would be without hope. He is my rock and my strength when I have nothing left. There are times that despite my constant study and prayer, I don't understand. There are times I have to let faith fill in the gaps between my human comprehension of a situation and God. There are times I have no choice but to trust Him and His ways, even when those ways aren't mine.

But thank goodness they aren't mine. If there's anything that I've learned, it is that we are very similar to my own children. We ask for things that we think are best, and our loving Father says yes or no based on the bigger picture of what is good and healthy. Panda would forego his nightly injection if given the choice, but what kind of parent would I be to deny him the health and greater gain for a short-term reprieve? And so I will trust my Father despite my lack of understanding.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
Isaiah 55:8-9

So I will keep on praying, asking for prayer, and trusting. Watching my children suffer is the hardest, most helpless challenge I've ever had to do endure. I have seen trials, but mornings sitting on the floor holding my baby after yet another seizure truly tests my faith and my endurance more than anything else ever has. But I know that God promises that in my weakness, He is strong.

I say all of this partly because I needed to hear it yet again, and partly to share the encouragement. We all face trials and our faith and endurance are stretched beyond what we feel possible. We get just plain tired.

In the end, is it all worth it?
Yes.
A thousand times yes.

Despite the hard days and the mentally exhausting hours, I would do it all again in a heartbeat. I'm so thankful God doesn't do things my way.

1.5 Year Mark - Our Feisty Fella

It has been a year and a half with our special guy! The Duke and I were looking back at pictures and videos of him a year ago and were blown away with the changes - physical and personality. He has grown so much. Check this out- a side-by-side of his baseball get-up. You can just see the change in his face! (Yes, exact same shirt and hat from a year ago!) His dependence on Mom versus his newfound confidence are also evident in the two photos. It used to be tough to catch a photo of him not being held. Today he runs and plays all by himself!

Oh, this is too fun. Let's do more.

A year ago a moment when he would allow Dad to hold him was rare and exciting. Now, as soon as The Duke gets home from work, wrestle time has begun! Panda has so much more confidence in his relationship with each of us. He is willing to separate from Mom (when at home) and is no longer intimidated by Dad. He soaks up every moment with his Daddy.

Sibling love? Still awesome. A little more disagreeing than before as he has found his little voice and opinion, which is a good thing. 

Mr. Panda has gotten extremely funny and feisty - even more than before. Man, that kid's sense of humor is amazing. He loves playing jokes on everyone, and it is just about impossible not to laugh!

Funny story: We had just boarded a plane on our way to visit my brother and his family, when I looked over at Panda and Ladybug. They had both casually taken the safety brochure out of the pocket and were intensely studying it. It wasn't long before Panda yelled (he has no low volume) "Mommy Mommy! Look! The airplane is going to land on the water! Yay!!!" Quite a few of the surrounding passengers stirred. Haha! I answered with a simple, "No, buddy, hopefully not. We will land on a runway." It took a while to convince him.

Quick list of updates:

Growth: Thank God for modern medicine! Our little guy has grown 4 inches in the past year since beginning his treatment. He is still wearing 12-18 month clothes, but the 12 month shirts are beginning to get tight! His feet have grown 3 sizes already. So get this - one of his favorite things in the world is shoe shopping for himself. I hadn't even thought of this, but he's been through multiple seasons of shopping for Ladybug but never himself. (Because he hasn't been growing.) When we finally went to buy him a new pair of tennis shoes, he was beyond excited! He ran up to each person in the store to show them his new shoes and then proceeded to do a very touch-down-esque victory dance. I can't wait to see his reaction one day when we take him shopping for actual clothes. 

Sleep: Still in his Panda Cove in our room, but he is consistently napping upstairs in his own room. This means that during the day he now feels confident Mom isn't going to leave! We are constantly working to build that feeling of safety. His nightmares are always dependent upon what he is currently experiencing during the day as his anxiety manifests itself in his sleep. A couple of weeks ago he had a traumatic doctor's appointment, and thus a few weeks of nightmares. 

Language: Panda is becoming easier and easier for others to understand as his pronunciation is improving. I would venture to estimate his language skills are similar to that of a young 3 year old - full sentences but still a struggle to comprehend for people outside of the family. But due to his age his word choice is unusual for his size. It's hilarious. I went to wake him from a nap and I got a "Oh, hello Mother! Nice to see you." Yes- he calls me Mother sometimes and thinks it's the funniest thing in the world! It kind of is. He has great comedic timing - he doesn't overuse it and waits until it is least expected. 

Physical Development: Panda runs, climbs, and jumps like a wild animal! He's so energetic and adventurous and loves to be as active as possible. Most of the time you'll find him running around the house singing at the top of his lungs with some sort of toy in hand. He has become less sit-with-mommy focused and more play-and-explore focused these past few months. To the point that I will pick him up and he'll wiggle and ask to be put down. This is enormous for him - and a proud moment for this mom! I wish I could insert a play picture right here, but they always just come out as a little blur across the screen.  

Panda has received more responsibilities around the house as he's gotten older, and he takes a lot of pride in it. He loves being a part of the family and contributing just like everybody else. He sets the table, helps put away laundry, and cleans up after he eats. We have figured out a way to move all of the kids' dishes to where he can reach, all of his clothes are within reach on the ground, and we keep a stool by the sink for just this purpose. It has given him an amazing sense of belonging and purpose, so we work hard to accommodate him and anything he needs. 

Three words that would wrap up this month with Panda are rambunctious, inquisitive, and mischievous. He's on the go, and you never know quite what he's up to! He almost never crosses the line into actually getting into trouble. He more just flirts with it, and you gotta respect that. I love his spunk.