My Hair Might Fall Out

It’s so easy to focus just on the amazing parts of parenting and adoption, or even to just focus on the hard parts. But most of the time the two collide and are simultaneously present.

Allow me to paint a picture:
Ladybug has had a rough month of seizures, on top of a large amount of specialist appointments and procedures. Panda had a traumatic appointment last week when a doctor did a biopsy and stitched him up with no anesthesia. (A very long story, don't get me started). The subsequent effect on him has been quite a bit of regression with his anxiety and paranoia that Mom is going to leave him. Cue the frequent nightmares and the need for Mom's presence and attention almost every minute of the day. And poor Ladybug is about done not being able to be independent - needing help with the restroom, needing help to get a toy or a marker to draw, etc. And Mama is run ragged physically and mentally after so many appointments, procedures, 3 weeks of constant seizure-care, midnight comforts for Panda, and the emotional kiddos that are the result of all of the above.

So this morning I woke up at 5:15 to spend some quiet time in prayer and reading the Bible with my latte. (Yes, I totally still do this when I'm up all night. I've tried sleeping in another hour, but I've learned I'm just in a better mental place if I wake up and spend and hour with God instead. It's counterintuitive, but so true for me.) This particular morning one of my prayers was for the Lord to lead me in my parenting today - for an opportunity to really show my kids God's love and live it out. Sadly, in our recent chaos I had been less than graceful.

Ladybug and The Duke returned home around 7:00 a.m. from her sleep study at the hospital. If you've ever had an EEG, you know there's some major hair mess going on there.

So as soon as she was fed, we went straight to the bath to begin the 30 minute process of cleaning all of the glue out of her hair. She was incredibly emotional (lack of sleep and exhaustion from the anxiety of the whole ordeal) and everything set her off and caused a melt-down.  Panda was a whole new level of anxious with her and his Daddy being gone from evening until morning and not understanding any of it. His anxiety presents itself more quietly but more concerning - when he goes quiet you know that he's losing it. I usually find him in a corner rocking himself violently.

I was kneeling by the tub attempting to sooth Ladybug as I worked the glue from her hair and was giving as much attention as possible to Panda as he was desperately clawing at me from behind, when my phone rang. It was one of her specialists trying to have a deep conversation about something of concern they found. I had the classic mom position going - hiding in the closest closet, phone on one ear and finger in the other, scrambling to find a pen  to try to scribble down some of the medical terminology I didn't understand and to write down the appointment they wanted to schedule. After hanging up, I quickly texted The Duke the important update, and hurried back into the bathroom. Neither kid was thriving: Ladybug was exhaustion-crying (is that a thing?) in the bathtub covered in sores and spots from all the electrodes the night before, and Panda was rocking himself, freaking out because I stepped into my closet to answer the doctor's phone call - without him! Might as well have just left the planet...

It was about this time that it hit me - this was my opportunity. This was the opportunity I had prayed for - to parent them. It is easy to be a loving, patient parent when everything is going smoothly. But it's the moments like these, when chaos is happening and my mind is tempted to be distracted or overwhelmed, when what I say and do as a mom really matters. These are the moments that have the largest impact on my kids - this is what they will internalize. Think about it - what do you remember best about that friends you treasure the most? How they were with you through the good times, or how they supported you during the hard times? What an unexpected but beautiful answer to my prayer this morning - I had asked for an opportunity to show my kids who God is and what love looks like. This was my chance.

I took a deep breath and focused on the moment and meeting their current needs. No, Ladybug didn't calm down much. Yes, Panda was still totally not okay when I was blow-drying Ladybug's hair later and not playing with him. (see picture below) But I was the eye in the storm. I loved them and guided them and explained to them as much as I could as we finished up the process. In the end, I got Ladybug to sleep in time well before the big appointment we had at 11:00 am and got Panda a nice, long Mommy cuddle with hugs and eye contact. God helped me to refocus mid-chaos.

Parenting our children through the tough times is what parenting is all about.  I loved this ah-ha moment today - the word that kept repeating in my brain was "opportunity." I had the opportunity to share God's love with my family.

• Panda melt-down = opportunity
• Sitting on the ground, holding a crying Ladybug after a seizure = opportunity
• Having a  (respectful) confrontation with a doctor with the children present = opportunity
• Breaking up a sibling fight = opportunity 
• Working through therapy when Ladybug refuses = opportunity 

Adoption is hard, in the big moments and in the small day-to-day life, like today. 

But aren't the best things in life usually the hardest? 

Anything worth having is hard. So praise God and bring on the "hard"!