7-8 Months - two steps forward, one step back

After 7 months with us, we took the plunge and moved little Panda upstairs into his room. With a caveat - the Duke is sleeping on a mattress on the floor right next to his bed to ease the transition. We have been having him play and nap in his room, so we felt he was familiar with it and hopefully the shift would be seemingly small in his mind.

WRONG

Turns out we tipped Panda's world upside down. His behavior - day and night- reverted back to month #1, and then some.  He cries when put down during the day, he doesn't want to play by himself anymore, melt-downs galore, his nightmares and bedtime neediness have returned, etc.  It's been pretty crazy around here! Poor little guy.

The first few months after adoption we expected this behavior and had modified our lifestyle and our schedule to accommodate Panda's emotional needs.  We cacooned. I kept my phone in the other room, and family/friends knew that I would be tough to get a hold of.   Our amazing church group was delivering us meals or we ordered take-out.  Our house was a mess, but I didn't care - cooking, cleaning, and basic life outside of the home all came second.  My time and attention were reserved for my kids. And both children have grown and flourished and done amazingly well!

This time I was caught unprepared. We still have daily appointments and commitments. Meals are now cooked, not delivered.  The house couldn't stay a mess forever! Friends and family are wondering if we fell off the face of the planet.  And worst of all, we had fallen into a mindset of a different lifestyle - one that was busy and packed full of activities.

Panda's emotional needs and time needs have greatly increased. He is now requiring me to sit with him from 5-6:30 a.m. with my hand on his back while he sleeps,  hold him throughout his entire nap again, and sit with him for an hour at night while he tries to get to sleep. I've lost five hours of my day. Then while awake, he's clinging to my leg while I cook dinner, crying and hanging on me while I try to run to the restroom, and completely panicking when I set him down to try to help Ladybug into the car.  I know all children go through something similar around age one - a separation anxiety of sort. We went through that with Ladybug when she was younger.  This is very different. It is much more intense and severe.  I have to remind myself that his birth mama actually did set him down one day and never came back.  That literally changes the wiring of a child's brain. He will not learn in a simple month or even a year that he can trust we will never leave him. He's been there, done that.  It will take so much more time and prayer than a simple few months or even years with us. He's been through so much that we will never understand, and something has triggered his fight-or-flight response. He's showing all his stress signs - he twitches, rocks back and forth (semi-violently) in an effort to comfort himself, nightmares, and has overall just seems to have lost his smile.

And so I'm trying to find a harmony between cocooning and running a household and raising two children with specific medical and therapeutic needs. Even as I type this Panda is literally dead weight in my nap with his cheek resting on my wrist. His little head is bobbing up and down as I try to get my thoughts down. Comical, yes. Sad too, and quite frankly at times, a little frustrating. But it's a wake-up call. It's time for a life-style shift again!

I find myself desperately needing simplicity and to re-prioritize. With less time comes the opportunity to really focus in on only our very top priorities during waking hours. What a blessing, really, to be forced to reevaluate life and what specific things you value most.

We need to slow back down.
We are learning to say "no" more and more to guard our time as a family here at the house. Both kids absolutely crave intentional, focused family time. We have found that it is one of those things that if you don't intentionally block out time for it, it is shocking how it can slip away from you. The phone is being turned off or set in the other room again. (It's amazing how quickly I fell back into the routine of checking texts, etc. on a regular basis.)

We need to just play.
Being type A, I struggle with ignoring my To Do list and just sitting down to play with the kids, giving my full undivided attention. They get it when we are reading a book or working on speech here at home, but when it's just time for "play" with no particular agenda, I am usually distracted with my own things that need to get done. That has to change!

I need to remember that my time is not my own.
I miss having time to myself in the morning. I miss decompression time in the evenings. I want to do be able to do my yoga again. All of these things are important and valuable self-care routines. However, as life shifts we have to shift along with it. I haven't quite figured this one out, but I have been reminded that my time is not my own - God, the creator of the universe and of time, is the orchestrater of such things. I am learning to pray that the Lord will guide me to accomplish His goals for my day, not my own, and that I will adopt His priorities.

One of my favorite preachers said in a sermon I recently listened to (I have a lot of time hanging out in the dark with a sleepy Panda, so I get to listen to quite a few things!) said, "If we can get a handle on recognizing the disease of hurry and begin to walk in a better posture of slowness, godliness results." He went on to demonstrate through scripture how Jesus prioritized his limited time here on earth, and how He would turn down good things to do the most important things. This challenged me to think through the ways I spend my time throughout my week - what good things pull me away from the most important? Talk about something I need to hear over and over! I need to set that sermon on a monthly repeat...

Just a few adorable aspects and pictures of our little guy:

Panda Challenges:
see above. =)

Panda Awesomeness:
Language - the kid is an old pro with English right about now! Abstract concepts are still tough, but overall he's pretty much got it! His speaking is difficult to understand but is improving by the day.

Shots - He is handling his daily shots better and better! He seems to be taking them in stride at this point. Such a champ!

Love - Despite is daily and nightly challenges, Panda is still the most loving kid in the world. Nothing warms my heart like when he puts his little hands on either side of my face, looks me in the eye, and calls me Mommy. Seriously, I melt. He loves so hard, which just impresses the heck out of me. I don't think I would have that resilience and strength had I been in his situation. I love how God made him to be so open to love!