After finishing my last post, I came to the quick realization that we needed to wave the white flag and surrender our mission of teaching Panda to sleep in his bedroom. It must be too early, and if there's anything I've learned in the past 9 months, it is that Panda is ready when he's ready. And he's just not there yet!
We moved him back into our room in his own little bed and it was like a light switch - he immediately began sleeping soundly again and allowing us to lay him down and walk out of the room. Our days have improved quite a bit, although our mornings are still a bit choppy. He still has his freak-out moments, but that's to be expected! He's still learning and growing and adjusting and working through his past.
There seem to be 3 things bring unparalleled joy to/set off our little Panda:
1. Freedom to move and play
2. Being held and loved by a parent
3. Having the whole family together in one room
Bonus points for all three at once!
When in public and Panda is getting the opportunity to move about freely and explore new territory, you'll see unbridled joy! His excitement is contagious and it's only a matter of minutes before he has everyone in his vicinity laughing along with him. (Seriously...doctor waiting rooms, grocery stores, the church hallway, the library, etc.) You've never seen a happier kid! It's even difficult for close friends to imagine his face with anything but that bright smile on it due to the joy he exudes when out and about.
This also means that when one of these three is missing, the others must be amplified to keep him from panicking. He's adjusted to the Duke being at work during the week, but he is never quite himself until he returns in the evenings. Ladybug began going to preschool this month and it has been quite a challenge - he plunged into depression the first week. I thought he was coming down with something and was continually taking his temperature, as he wouldn't eat, play, walk, or talk. But when we picked her up, he suddenly came to life, squealing and tackling her in the hallway. That's when it clicked - part of his family was missing! Poor baby. He's adjusting to his sister's short absences, but not quickly and not without major distraction efforts on Mom's part. Even after a good month they still have the sweetest reunions in the preschool hallway when they see each other after class!
This same theory holds if his freedom of movement is removed - for example when he is held down at any doctor appointment or procedure. Any 3 year old would panic when held down, and then add in his early trauma, and you get a whole new level of
not-okay. He has finally adjusted to sitting in my lap or the Duke's to read a book or pray without panic, but if anyone else tries to physically hold him still, his eyes travel back in time and we totally lose him.
Diagnosis
We have received a new diagnosis for our little Bear. Adopting brings along a whole bucket of medical surprises, and we were mentally prepared for that as we have experienced something similar with Ladybug. It is almost never just one simple diagnosis! Adopting internationally has the added bonus of maybe even getting incorrect diagnosis to begin with. (We expected Panda to be moderately hearing impaired...he's not.)
I mentioned he has been diagnosed with a growth hormone deficiency, which comes along with its own extra health complications. He also has Nystagmus (an eye issue), some brain trauma, and now we've learned he has hip displacement. This is going to be a long-term physical issue that will affect him throughout his childhood and adult life, requiring hip replacement surgeries as he ages. Huge bummer for the little guy as of course, it won't be as simple as a few surgeries. It will involve quite a bit of pain, physical therapy, a lack of ability to walk or run normally, and a whole other slew of issues.
Every time my children are diagnosed with a new ailment or disease, my heart breaks for them. I
hate the thought of Panda spending years in incredible pain as he waits for his next hip surgery. I hate the thought of him not being able to participate in sports with his peers or possibly play on the playground with his friends as he ages, especially considering his special relationship with movement. I hate the thought of Ladybug undergoing a blood infusion every two weeks for the rest of her life and the surgeries that accompany that. I hate that their medical lives will continue into adulthood and that there's no easy end in sight.
I
hate it.
But there's another side to the coin. I
love and appreciate so much. I'm the crazy mom in the crowd at Little Gym crying my eyes out because my baby ran across the room and did a forward roll. My heart just fills to the brim when the kids are playing and running in the backyard because they are both physically capable right now. Every single day is so precious and a reason to celebrate. I think I would have a totally different outlook on life and parenting had things been smooth and all of our children were healthy. With my type A personality, I would get swept up in the day-to-day responsibilities so much easier (not that I don't still struggle with that). I wouldn't take nearly as much time to get on the floor and just play, or block out weekends to spend as a family. In a strange way, having babies with extra struggles keeps my mind and eyes on things above and less on the things of the earth. I find myself thanking God more now than I ever have and enjoying the beauty of the small things. In our weaknesses we have no choice but to lean on the Lord, and despite how much I hate the brokenness of this situation, I'm finding I am more filled with love than ever before. Thank God for that!
Panda challenges:
Nightmares - His nightmares are still pretty vivid when they happen and stick with him for about 24 hours. He's usually pretty upset for the next day or two and doesn't want to play or be put down. Due to the intenseness of his reaction to them, we tend to believe the nightmares must contain some very real memories. They are pretty rough.
Panda awesomeness:
Food - Panda eats and drinks like a little champ! Still working on adding a variety of veggies and fruit into his diet, but he's pretty much already comfortable knowing where his next meal is coming from and is now willing to at least try new foods.
Drink - He has finally begun to drink actual volume! Granted our bar is low as Ladybug has never been a big drinker and we are always cheering the kids on with their drinking. (She needs a certain amount of Fiji water for her seizures.) This is one of those areas where I so appreciate watching a random toddler at the park suck down an entire sippy cup of water in one sitting. I always get a strange look from the mom when I compliment what a great little drinker she has! Haha...I actually get a lot of strange looks when I compliment other moms and children. Weirdo.
Sleep - Haha! This makes me laugh now. Sleeping pretty well in Mom and Dad's room minus his occasional nightmares. Check out his little Panda Cove:
Language - He's continuing to pick up on the language incredibly quickly. His cognitive processing skills are crazy high - it's so cool to watch!
Behavior - Panda is so eager to please. Just like any 3 year old he has his moments, but his people-pleasing personality mixed with his uncanny ability to read the room make for a kiddo with minimal behavior issues.
Travel - Little Panda has been on a total of 10 flights in the past year. He's an old pro now and is in love with airplanes! He is constantly playing airplane at home with a random object. Which brings me to another strength of his...
Imagination! - This is another one of those things I
so appreciate in children as it has been a major area of developmental delay in Ladybug (which transfers to so many other areas of life...reading comprehension, problem solving by imagining multiple outcomes of different choices, etc.) Little Panda ROCKS his imaginative play. He is almost always playing out a scenario, from airplane to giving baby horse a shot to feeding a baby doll his bottle. It is beyond beautiful!! I can not tell you how much it feeds my soul to see him pretending to hold something that isn't there or create his own story. I've read entire books on this subject to better understand the neurological side of it and how we can better help Ladybug develop these skills that come so naturally to other children. It's amazing what God designs as "natural" in the brain that we so often overlook. There are so many complex simultaneous brain processes happening during pretend play!
He thought he was hilarious and called me into the room for this spectacular photo op!
